


I'll try |treebros|

by Saracha05



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Eventual Smut, First Meetings, Fluff, How Do I Tag, M/M, Masturbation, My First AO3 Post, Smut, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Treebros, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21987829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saracha05/pseuds/Saracha05
Summary: When Connor realiszes his feelings toward Evan, he makes an attempt to get closer and let Evan see he's not the scary guy everyone sees him as.//This isn't entirely what that stories about, I just don't know how to describe it. I have this and other stories posted on wattpad. I know it suck but I just felt like writing it.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 31
Kudos: 241





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Connor can't seem to stop thinking about Evan. How better to stop it by getting high?  
> //  
> Feel free to leave ideas or critisizm.

Connor tapped the end on his pencil on his test, trying to focus on the paper in front of him. It was so _hard_ to though, with his mind always going back to ' _him_.'

_Why. Why does his face have to be so cute. Why do his eyes shine all the time. And his teeth are so white. And how his hair is so neat at the beginning of the day but eventually the gel kinda wears out and his hair gets messy._

Connor shook himself from his thoughts, attempting to refocus on his test.

 _What is the equation of the conic graphed below? What? I don't know this!_ Connor thought as he looked at the answer choices. _Thats it!_

Connor angrily slammed his pencil on his pop quiz. "I'm going to the bathroom." He quietly shot at his teacher. His seat was right next to hers because of his attitude. She just put him right there instead of letting him sit in the back.

"Connor! Wait!" She whisper yelled, trying not to distract the other students trying to focus on the test. Connor didn't listen, he just grabbed the hall pass and went. It's not like he could focus on the test anyway, might as well get high in the bathroom. At least he could stop thinking about Evan.

He marched down the hallway, not even looking at the few students and teachers walking down that same empty space. 

_Why would it be bad if I skipped class again? It's not like I have a chance in the future anyway, so why even bother in school?_

Once he reached the bathroom, he locked himself into a random empty stall.

 _smells like cotton candy?_ Connor sniffed the air. _ugh, someone must've been jeweling._ he looked underneath the stall walls, seeing if he could find any another feet there. Nothing. He smiled to himself as he pulled out a plastic bag from his pocket. He opened it and took the joint out, as well as a lighter.

He brought the joint to his lips and lit it. The long awaited smoke hit the back of his throat as he breathed in. The familiar feeling he always got was flowing to his head. _Maybe I can stop thinking about Evan now._

_'SLAM!'_

Connor jumped at the sudden noise of a stall door slamming shut. He pulled his knees to his chest, hoping a teacher didn't just walk in after smelling the heavy stench of weed that most likely made it was to the halls.

He stayed as quiet as he could and put out his blunt, putting it back in the plastic baggie. He was about to sneak out when he heard what sounded like sobbing.

Connor was going to ignore it when he heard sniffling and tapping. He decided to sit down and see what would happen.

After a little while, Connor heard a phone ringing.

"M-mom." Connor heard the other voice speak out softly. He could almost hear the panic laced in the voice on the other side of the line."I ne- I think yo-you should p-pick me up." The boy said though the sobbing.

"I-i-i tried! M-my han- my hands won't stop sh-shaking. I can-can't text." The boy said. It almost sounded like Evan, but he couldn't be too sure. With all the sobbing it was hard to tell.

"I did-didn't." He admitted shamefully. Connor then heard the sound of something hitting the tiled floor and the sound of a bag rustling.

"Why didn't you take them this morning, Evan." _It is Evan. He must've put his phone on speaker._

"I didn't th- I don't know." He admitted with his voice cracking.

With a sigh, Evans mother continued. "I'll be there in a bit ok? It'll take a while to get out but I'll try to be there as soon as possible. I'm going to hang up now but I'll call right back when I'm in the car. Love you, and I'll be right over."

The rustling continued until it was replaced with the sound of a bottle shaking. "O-ok, mom. Love yo-you too."

Connor heard as the bottle opened and pills poured out. The stall door opened and then the faucet came on. _I think he's just taking pills. Most likely anxiety medicine. I hope he's alright._

 _Should I go out there and confront him? I should probably get back to class but I don't want to embarrass him._ Connor silently groaned and brought his hands to his face. He just wanted to forget about Evan but now this?

After the sound of the stall door closing, Connor carefully opened his door, trying to avoid any noise. It was all good, until that last little bit he pushed the door made a squeak.

Evans breath hitched and Connor could hear how the heavy breathing just stopped, or well, was trying to stop. He knew that couldn't be good for panic attacks. He felt so bad.

"Hey, Evan. You here?" Connor called out hesitantly. No response. He knocked on the door he suspected Evan was in. No response again. He gently opened the door and saw Evan curled up in a ball. He didn't even bother to look up at Connor.

"Hey, it's alright. Are you ok?"

"Wh-why are you he-here?" Evan stuttered. Now Evan was petrified. He was probably going to be made fun of.

"Oh I uh, I was skipping class to smoke pot." Connor said with a sheepish smile. "D'ya want some? It's really good for relaxing.." he said and cringed at his own words.

"No th-thanks. I-I'm good." Evan said, still refusing to look up.

"Look, I'm sorry, for barging in and stuff. I just wanna make sure you're... ok? I'll leave now but uh-"

"No!" Evan gasped out, looking surprised at his own words, but right now he needed someone there. As long as they weren't going to hurt him, he'd take anyone."Pl-please stay."

"Uh, ok. Yeah." Connor sat down next to Evan. He hesitantly wrapped one arm around Evans shoulder. "Is this ok?" Connor asked with a bright red coating his cheeks. Evan didn't respond, he just nodded his head.

There was a while of silence before Evan phone began to ring again. He picked it up and brought it to his ear.

"Evan, I'm on my way ok."

"Ok" Evan breathed out. He never stopped shaking.

"Do you want me to stay on? I'm here for you if you need." Evan looked over at Connor.

"No, you can- y-you can go. Jus-just hurry. P _le_ ase." Evans voice cracked

"Ok, I will. I love you so much. I'll be over soon." Evan pressed hang up. He didn't think he could talk anymore. He just wanted to cry.

Connor frowned and pulled Evan closer to him. He wrapped his other arm around the smaller and ran his fingers through Evans hair while Evan just sobbed harder.

They sat in silence for a while. Evans crying was slowly calming down. "Do you...feel any better now?" Connor asked unsurly.

"Mhm. "Evan mumbled back.

"Look, I-I know we're not really friends, but if you need anything, like someone to rant to, I'm always open. Just so ya know." Connor mumbled out, pink tinting his cheeks.

"Th-thanks." Evan whispered.

There was another period of silence.

"I-I'm sorry." Evan said just barely loud enough for Connor to hear.

"For what?" Connor asked. Evan had done nothing wrong.

"W-well, you said you were sm-smoking, and class is still go-going on. And you- your here with me. Y-you don't- you don't even know me! God, I'm such a screw up."

Connor rubbed Evans back more. "Don't say that. I'm here because I want to be. I understand how rough anxiety is, so I want to make sure you're ok."

Evan looked at Connor kindly. He smiled slightly and Connor couldn't get enough of it. The way his cheeks were slightly pink, and the freckles that scattered around his face, like stars almost, and his eyes look so comforted. Connor definitely wanted to see this more often.

Evan was going to say something when his phone rang again. He picked it up and brought it to his ear.

"You're all set Evan. Meet me outside where I usually park."

Evan quickly zipped up his backpack pockets and slipped the straps on his shoulders. "Tha-thanks a lot C-Connor. I hope w-we can t-talk aga-again soon." Evan rushed out, his cheeks flaring red.

"That'd be great. See ya later. And uh, I hope you feel better." Connor replied as Evan left the bathroom in a hurry. Connor smiled for a second before he realized what he'd just done. He had just 1.) Comforted his (still not accepted it) crush, 2.) Got Evan to trust him at least a little bit and 3.) Made acquaintances with his crush and he told him he's like to talk again.

Connor started panicking before he realized he had to get back to class.

_10 minutes left to answer like, 30 questions. Yay_

Connor walked back to class, fully accepting to see his more than angry teacher put him in ISS, along with another bad grade. But he was fine with that. Especially now that Evans ok


	2. That would be enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes home to think about his day. Maybe he and his mom can grow closer?

"Evan sweetie, do you wanna tell me what happened?" Heidi asked her son softly as she drove down the road.

"No." Evan shortly replied with his head looking down at his knees. "Not right now."

Heidi pursed her lips, giving Evan a look of concern before looking back at the road. "That's fine, but know I'm here if you want to talk."

Evan nodded his head. A few tears still escaped his eyes but for the most part, his cheeks were stained with dried tears. He was still shaking though, so he fiddled with his hands, trying to stop them from shaking because _why couldn't he stop shaking._

For the most part, the car ride back home was silent. Heidi pulled into the driveway, debating if she should speak. Evan unbuckled his seatbelt. He was going to step out of the car when his mom gently touched his hand. "Hey, uh, if you want to, we can watch a movie in the living room. Disney, yeah. Maybe Hallmark for the season?" She smiled brightly at him.

"Yeah, that'd be nice. But c-can I have a bit alone?" He looked up at his mom.

"Of course! I'll make dinner and call you down." Evan smiled at the gleam in her eyes. She looked so hopeful and excited. She'd gotten her son to spend time with her, so of course she was happy.

They both walked into the house, and Evan immediately went up to his room. _What has today even turned into?_

He curled up in his bed, trying to let sleep distract him from all his problems. He _tried_ to anyway. He couldn't stop thinking about Connor.

_Why did he help me? Why did he care? Why didn't he just leave the bathroom when he heard me in there? Is he going to make fun of me? Is he serious about me being able to talk to him? Did I force him to help me? Did- ok Evan, that's enough. No need to ramble to yourself like you do with everyone else._

Evan groaned, his head buried in his hands. _Why am I like this!? Why can't I just control my emotions? I should've stayed in school. Then mom would still be at work and Connor wouldn't have wasted his time with me. Now he might laugh at me like everyone else._ Evan didn't feel panicky anymore, he just felt emotionally numb.

Evan sat up, reaching over for his old laptop. He opened it and the bright screen turned on, already displaying google docs.

'Dear Evan Hansen, December 15, 2019

Today is...weird? Like, yeah it's bad because you've just gone through a panic attack in the middle of school, and yaeh, Jared Lashed out at you, and yeah, you got the question wrong when the teacher called on you to answer it, but today was also good? Like, Connor Murphy, the scary guy in math class, was there and he actually comforted you in the middle of your panic attack. I mean, that could be a bad thing because he could possible make fun of you and tell all his friends and your bullies about how you're such a wuss and cried in the bathroom over people looking at you in class, but think positive right!? Maybe he was just genuinely trying to help. He did say I could talk to him. But what if he just said it to be nice and doesn't really wanna hear me drabble on about my stupid life porblems? Or if that was just so he could get more info on me to tell everyone else? Maybe I shouldn't talk to him anymore. No, stay positive!! Maybe I should try to talk to him? Anyway, I made my mom happy. Like, I feel bad that she had to leave work, but at least she gets a break from her job. Although, it's not really a break when she has to worry about her son. Positive!! Uh, I told her I would watch movies with her, and she seemed to be happier. That's about all for today.

-Sincerely, me

With a sign, Evan closed his laptop and placed it on his nightstand. He buried himself back under the covers and relaxed. The letter actually somewhat helped him calm down. Like he just spilled his guts to a friend, because he's his only friend. Sure there's Jared, but come on, Jared couldn't care less. The letters made it feel like he could get stuff off his chest, but it wasn't enough. _I bet if I had a friend it would be easier. Someone who could give feedback and reassurance._ Evan flipped over to his side, staring at the wall in front of him. _Maybe I should talk to Connor Murphy.._

Evan's stomach sank just thinking about it. Scared, _hell yeah_. Determined, _not really_. In desperate need for someone to talk to... _yeah._

"Evan! Dinners ready if you wanna come down!" Heidi called from the Kitchen, interrupting Evans thoughts.

"Coming mom!" Evan yelled back. He threw the blankets off his lap and groaned as he stood up, the cold air hitting his body.

He walked down to his kitchen, a smaller blanket he got from his closet wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hey sweetie," Heidi said as she saw her son. "Your plate is on the table. Do you wanna watch while we eat, or you could go back to your room."

Evan walked over to his plate and picked it up. "Lets watch a movie together." He said with a small smile. Heidi smiled and walked into the living room with her food.

"So, what do you wanna watch?" Heidi asked, turning the TV on.

"Disney...if thats ok." Evan mumbled, pulling the blanket over his body.

"Of course Evan. What about the Santa Clause? Ya know, get into the Christmas spirit. I think that's disney." Heidi said as she sat down on the couch on the opposite end of where Evan was.

"Yeah, that's fine." Evan replied as he picked at his food. His mom had made macaroni, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and baked chicken.

Heidi looked at her son. They weren't close, seeing how she was gone for most of the day and Evan didn't really go out of his room. She desperately wanted to change that, but what could she really do? She was already put so far back just from taking this day off. But if she could just be closer, get to know him more, let him know he doesn't have to be alone, that would be enough.

"Hey, Evan. I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Evan looked up at her, confusion in his eyes. "I really wish I was here more. I _really_ do." She continued.

"I-its fine mom." Evan replied quietly, trying to move on. This was kind of a sensitive subject to him. It was just another problem he'd have to face, another reason of why he's so alone, another reason for him to let go. He'd honestly rather drop the subject then bring it up.

Heidi pursed her lips. She turned on the movie while eating her dinner, occasionally glancing back at her son, hoping he was feeling ok.

During the movie, Evan looked at his mom. She looked sad, a small frown on her face. He felt bad. He felt like it was _his fault._ He moved closer to his mom, cuddling against her side and moved the blanket over both of them.

Heidi looked down and smiled. She wrapped her arm around him. They both felt the warmth and love from each other. Right now, just knowing they were there for eachother was enough to throw away the loneliness and their problems. Right now, it was enough.


	3. Painting Nails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets in a fight with his parents again, but this time he can rely on Zoe to help him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor almost cuts, just in case anyone's sensitive to that. Sorry, I don't really know if I have to, but just in case.

"Arg! _Why_ do I have to?" Connor groaned, his fist curled into a ball.

"Connor, my car is in the shop, and I have a class in the morning." Cynthia told her son in a calming voice, trying not to upset her son.

"But why my car!? Why not Zoe's? Or get dad to drop you off before work? Or hell, just skip class?" Cynthia pursed her lips at her sons swearing.

"Well- It's just a one time class. And Zoe has band practice after school." She said, her hands clasped together.

"But why the bus! I mean, Zoe could take me. Why the _bus!?"_ Connor yelled. The bus gives him anxiety. All those people on there, crowded together. Sharing a seat with someone. It scares him. not that he'd admit that. Cynthia looked at her son. She opened her mouth to say something when Larry's loud voice cut in.

"Connor! Just take the bus like your mother says to do. God! Does it have to be so damn hard to listen to your parents? Why can't you just do what we say!? Why do you have to screw everything up and make it such a big deal?" Larry shouted from the dining room table . Connor just scoffed and ran upstairs to his room. He slammed the door shut, a loud bang echoing down the hall.

Connor jumped onto his bed, surrounding himself in the covers. He nuzzled his face in a pillow, just trying to calm himself down. He could hear the screams and shouts by his parents fighting all the way from downstairs. A few tears slipped from his eyes. _Why is it always the same? Why can't we just get along? Is all of this my fault? Why do I have to ruin everything!?_

Connor continued to cry. He hasn't done that in a while. He would always just bottle up his emotions by getting high or something along the lines of that. Connor hasn't dealt with his emotions healthily in such a long time, he doesn't think he could do it normally. Maybe this is what he's doing with Evan..

Connor threw his fists into his pillow, just punchng it. Who knew such a simple, small fight would lead to so much pain. _Because it's my fault. It's always my fault. I ruin everything! My parents even think so! Maybe if I was gone they could be a family again. They could just forget I was even here._ He's bottled up his emotions for to long, and he's been under so much stress that things are pouring out now.

Connor sat on his bed, just thinking of how everyone could benefit from him disappearing. He looked up, seeing an old razor on his nightstand. He just wanted the pain to go away, to stop feeling. Just something to relieve himself. His hand slowly reached out for the razor. He hadn't cut in so long, but now he was craving it. His wrists stung with the memory of the cool metal slicing into his skin. How the blood would pour out, dripping on the floor.

 _'Knock knock'_ Connor heard the light tapping form outside his door. "Connor?" A soft voice called out, bringing him out of his trance.

"What do you want Zoe." he said coldly and quietly. Just loud enough for Zoe to barely hear from outside.

"Can I- uh, come in?" Zoe asked. She sound a little scared. She has a right to be though, Connor has done a lot to her in his fits of anger.

"Whatever." He said as he quickly dried his eyes. His family didn't need to know he was crying.

With a pause, Zoe slowly opened the door. She stared at him for a bit. He was looking down at his lap. His long, tangled hair hanging over his face. She walked over and sat next to him on the bed. He looked over at her, his eyes were blood red and his cheeks were puffy. There was silence for a while, not necessarily uncomfortable, but silence nonetheless. They had been talking a bit more, having small conversation every once and awhile, but neither really knew what to say.

"So, what did you want?" Zoe flinched at the sudden noise. She didn't really know what she wanted.. Just a distraction for how awful everything is. Luckily for her, Connor wanted the same thing.

"Can you help me paint my nails?" She asked, preparing for him to kick her out. He often did that when she tried to talk. Connor doesn't actually want to lash out at his sister, he just feels it's all he can do. He just gets angry at the first person he sees, and it's often Zoe.

"Yeah, sure." He simply replied and got up to get nail polish out of the bathroom. "What color?" He said as he walked back in, a small basket in hand.

____________________

"Ha, yeah. That was a good day." Zoe said with a smile as she looked down at her nails, testing to see if the last clear coat was dry.

"It was." Connor replied as with a small smile as well. They had been talking for hours. They kept getting distracted by different things, just laughing and talking. It was nice.

"Hey, your nail polish is pretty chipped. Can I repaint them?" Zoe asked, genuinely enjoying spending time with her brother. This is the most they've talked in years. She wasn't ready for things to go back to normal.

"Sure." He said with a shrug. Zoe reached into the basket and got nail polish remover out. She took a cotton pad and soaked it with the strong smelling liquid.

"So, I know you're gay and all, but I really like this guy and I don't know what I should do. Do ya got any advice?" She asked, a slight blush on her cheeks just thinking about her crush. She took a chance that maybe talking about boys might bring out a new conversation. I mean, he's had to have liked someone recently.

"Psh, I don't know. I guess, uh, are you friends with him, or like, how close are you two?" Connor asked, trying to think of how he'd like Evan to talk to him. Zoe took the cotton and rubbed the old, black paint off of Connors nails.

"Yeah, we've recently been talking. We text on snap everyday.. We talk a lot at school when we can, so yeah, I guess we're kinda close. I told him about mom and dad."

"Well, uh. Gah, I'm not good in this department. Hell, I don't even know my own feelings."

"Ooo, you got a crush?" Zoe said with a smirk as Connors face went red. Jackpot.

"I-I don't know. I don't really wanna talk about it.." he mumbled, feeling pretty embarrassed. Zoe continued scrubbing Connors nails, almost done with his right hand.

"Come on, it's not like i'm going to judge you. We can talk about guys together."

Connor bit his lip, deciding to open up to his sister and maybe find out what his feelings are. "I mean, there's this guy, and I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. A-and I really wanna talk to him." Connor rushed out. _Man, I forgot how comfortable and fun it was to talk to my sister. It's almost like we never weren't close._

"Who is it!?" Zoe asked excitedly.

"Only if you tell me who you like."

"Fine. 3...2...1. Lucas Carter"

"Evan Hansen." They both stared at each other.

"Aw! That's so cute! Evan is such a cute guy. Alana's friends with Jared, so if you want we can arrange something." Zoe said as she wiggled her eyebrows. Connor shoved her arm, a tint of pink rest on his cheeks.

"Oh yeah, what about you and _Lucas_. He sounds nice." Connor retorted, trying to get the conversation off of him.

"He is. He studies with me and Alana sometimes. He also helps me carry my instrument to band practice." Zoe said, just about done washing his nails.

"Ok, I guess maybe you talk to him about it? If you think he likes you back, then go for it?" Connor shrugged his shoulders. Zoe dug around, trying to find the black nail polish.

"Alright, I guess I'll try that. Anyway, Evan?" She smirked again. Connor buried his face in his hands. "Tell me everything." 


	4. It's been a morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor felt weirdly self conscious today. Especially when he learned that he'll be sitting with Zoe, Alana, Jared, and Evan at lunch today. His ride on the bus just seems to make him more self conscious of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this and last chapter weren't very good. I mean, the first weren't either but these are worse. I think it's mostly because I realise i've been dragging the chapters on, and they're not going very fast. Hopefully next chapter will have a change to it! Anyway, I hope you enjoy

This morning for Connor was starting off very frustrating. Waking up early was a pain for one thing. Usually he’d wake up 30 minutes before school started to get ready, but now it’s like 6am when his alarm started playing that annoying song. Next, he had to get himself up and take a shower. Most of the time, he goes days, sometimes a week before he takes a shower, but he couldn’t get any sleep last night because the thought of  _ what If I smelled bad when I was with Evan  _ kept him up. 

Once showered, he dried himself off and stared at the scars littered up and down his arm in the mirror. That's one reason he doesn't like showers. Seeing his body. The scars on his thighs and arms were just a reminder of how broken he was. Looking at his body, seeing how thin he was from not eating as much as he should, how boney he was. How the bags under his eyes seemed to droop and get darker everyday. His lips were so chapped, mostly from dehydration. His eyes were another thing. That one part of his eye was brown and differed from his mostly blue eyes. It was cool when he was a kid, how he had something unique about him that others thought was cool, but now it's just a reminder of how he’ll never fit in.. How he will never be accepted.

He looked down and saw his black painted nails. Some of the black paint was still on his skin but it’d mostly chipped off. The memory of last night came back, how Zoe and him kept talking and when she got distracted she would paint his finger on accident. He smiled.  _ Well, I might be somewhat accepted.  _

Connor hung up his towel on the hook and changed into his clothes. His signature black hoodie that always stunk of weed and dark blue jeans. He sniffed his hoodie. He’s mostly used to the smell. It doesn’t bother him. If anything, it comforts him, but what if it bothers Evan?  _ If I’m going to try talking to him today, I might as well try to seem healthier.  _ He quickly brushed his teeth and went to search for a shirt.

Connor looked through his closet, trying to find a new hoodie. “Ugh, when was the last time I threw clothes out?” He groaned after finding a third shirt that he wore in 8th grade and was definitely too small for him. Next he went to his drawers, just wanting a hoodie or jacket. After another five minutes of looking, he gave up and decided on a black T-shirt with some small, random white writing in the top corner. With much hesitation, he slipped it on. Looking at himself in the mirror, he shrugged.  _ What does it matter how I look. No one’ll care anyway _ . He was still unsure about leaving his hoodie here. It  _ was  _ his comfort place.

Connor checked the time on his phone.  _ 15 minutes left.  _ He walked downstairs to put on his socks and shoes. Zoe was downstairs, eating breakfast. “Hey Connor.” She gave a doubtful smile, not sure if Connor would be as nice to her as he was list night.  _ He does have bad mood swings.  _ Connor jumped, not expecting Zoe to be up this early. She usually sleeps in a bit longer then this. 

“Hey.” He mumbled, still tired. He rubbed his eyes and walked toward the kitchen. 

“I uh, was talking to Alana last night.” She left off her sentence as Connor looked at her as he grabbed a thermos out of the cabinet. “She said she was sitting with Jared and Evan at lunch. She invited us to sit with her.” She said as she took a drink of her milk. 

“Uh, ok. She has the same lunch?” Connor asked, not recalling seeing Zoe or Alana during second lunch.

“Yeah. You mean you’ve never seen us in the cafeteria? We usually sit by the lunch line.” Connor looked surprised. He shook his head as he put water in the tea kettle, turning the knob on the stove to high so it the water would boil. She sighed.  _ Typical Connor _ . This upset her a little, but she remembered she’s trying to  _ change  _ her relationship with Connor, and it’s on a really good track.  _ Don’t ruin it.  _

“Anyway, why are you up this early?” He asked, getting the tea packets out.

“I’m doing a community project for that club i'm in at that old cabin and I’m driving me and some friends up there.” She said, picking up her bowl and cup to place in the sink. 

“Nice.” Was all he said before the teapot started whistling. He poured some of the hot water in his thermos, trying not to touch it. He put some Irish breakfast tea packets into the cup. 

With the screw of the lid, Connor was ready to go. Actuall, no. Now that he  _ knows  _ he'll be talking to Evan today he suddenly felt self conscious of himself. He booked it up the stairs to his room. He glanced at himself in the mirror. He played with his hair for a bit, trying to give it more...volume?  _ I know nothing about hair.  _ He grumbled and grabbed a ponytail holder and put it on his wrist.  _ I might put it up at school. _

Connor put some chapstick on his lip and stuffed it in his pocket. He glanced in the mirror one last time, and with a sad look he walked out the door with his backpack slung over one shoulder.

________________________________________

The bus driver quickly took off as Connor stepped foot on the bus. He looked around, trying to find a seat by itself in the crowded area. Of course, most kids were on their phones with earbuds in. The majority seemed to be in middle school and high school, but there were a few elementary kids talking loudly up front. With a plop, Connor sat down on one of the middle seats. It was basically the only seat left. 

A few more stops and Connor saw someone he never thought he’d actually see on the bus. Evan walked in, searching for a seat. He looked nervous as his fiddled with the hem of his shirt.  _ Cute.. _

They made eye contact and Connor felt hopeful.  _ He might sit next to me, please. _ He secretly kept his fingers crossed. Evan walked closer. He looked away from the taller boy. He felt embarrassed from the other day, having Connor see him in such a bad shape.  _ Connor probably thinks I'm a freak.  _

Evan sat down to a person he didn’t know and Connor felt sad.  _ Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me at all. He’s probably afraid of me. Damn it!  _ Connor bit his lip in frustration.  _ Why can’t I just be better? _ Connor was starting to doubt sitting with them at lunch.


	5. A Friendship Blooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan start talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1,500 words. I hope you all are having a good day.

Connor stomped his way into the school building. He could just feel that today isn't going to be a good day. He didn't know where to go, seeing as he's never been here this early or hanging around the school that long. He saw most people walking into the cafeteria. _I don't wanna go in there.._ He thought especially after seeing Evan walk in.

Connor glanced around and decided to sit on an empty bench in the hallway. He looked around at all the cases that showed trophies from the football team. _Shit. Today's Friday.._ Connor groaned. _There's a pep rally today_.

Connor usually skipped them. Who wants to be in a hot gym next to some random kids who screams in your ear? Not him, that's for sure. The problem is, Connor can't skip them anymore. His 7th period teacher, who happens to _love_ showing school spirit, noticed Connors absents and makes sure he gets there. One time she made him walk right beside her into the gym. _Can she even do that?_

"Hey, what's the edgy school shooter doing here this early?" Connor heard and shot his head up with a glare.

"What do you want _Kleinman?"_ Connor said as he crossed his arms.

"Chill man, just wanted to talk. You are sitting with us at lunch right?" Jared asked as he sat down right next to Connor. Connor scooted slightly away. He didn't have much room because he was sitting on the edge.

"Yeah. But why are you _here?_ Talking to me?" Connor asked and he tried to make himself smaller. He didn't like people sitting next to him.

"Uh, I'm on the academic team and we had to meet up early today." Jared explained nonchalantly.

"Ok, so go do that instead of talking to me." Connor pulled out his phone to change the song that just came on.

"It's over with already. Plus I figured you'd like to have me over, seeing as Evan might come over if I'm here." Jared nodded his head over to a frighted Evan who had just walked out of the cafeteria doors. Evan and Connor made eye contact again and Connor blushed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Connor sneard with some pink on his face.

"Oh come on, I know you like him." Jared snickered.

"How!? Zoe.." he mumbled. "That bitch I'll kill her." Connor felt betrayed. _What did I expect. I did torment her for years. She probably told everyone so they can make fun of me so she could get revenge._ His fists tightened before Jared spoke up again.

"What, no. She didn't say anything. It's just obvious dude."

Connor immediately felt bad. He looked away in guilt. _Am I really that fucked up that I think everyone's out to embarrass me? If anything, they don't even notice me. Or don't give a fuck. And to just jump to thinking Zoe would do that even after last night?_ Connor looked back at Evan. Evan seemed to be debating walking over toward them. Connor figured the same situation as what happened on the bus will happen again. _Evan sees me and is to scared to be near me so he'll just leave._ But that didn't happen. Evan hesitantly walked toward the two males sitting on the bench.

"Hey Jar- uh hey Jared. Hey Connor." Evan greeted. He wiped his hand on his pants before sitting next to, or well somewhat close to Jared. Connor waved to Evan and Jared wrapped his arm around Evans shoulders.

"What's up acorn?" Jared asked with a glance over to Connor. Connor was glaring at Jared's arm but looked back at Evan when the timid boy started to speak.

"I'm doing- well I'm doing good." Evan looked down at his lap. "W-what about you guys?" Evan glanced back up to see Connor biting his lip and Jared leaning back with a smirk on his face. Evan doesn't like that smirk because that means Jared most likely planning something and Evans falling for it. Evans been pranked by Jared so many times that he knows when somethings up..

"Well I'm good. Super fucking tired but eh." Jared leaned his head back over the bench.

"I'm fine I guess. My mother doesn't know how to shut up though." Connor groaned.

"W-what happened?" Evan asked. "Only if you don- if you don't mind me asking. I-It's not like I ne- like I need to know or anything. I'm sorry- I don't mean to pry." He rushed out, not wanting to be pushy or anything.

"It uh, it's fine. My mom just droned on about this new diet thing she's going to put us all on. And how she's doing this new yoga class thing? She just talks about how she wants to change our lives but ends up doing shit. I don't know anymore." Connor pouted and Evan gave him a look of sympathy.

"Oh, m-my mom works. A l- a lot. So uh, I mostly just eat- I just eat pizza and takeout really." Evan explained with a sheepish smile. Connor smiled to himself and how _cute_ Evan was.

"Lucky. I get disgusting gluten free food every night. I just don't even eat most of the time. For weeks sometimes. I can't remember the last time they let me eat fast-food." Connor said with a small chuckle.

Evan felt a bit better around Connor. He didn't seem to be judging him, or even bringing up what happened yesterday. "Oh, that sounds... aw-awful?" Evan laughed slightly at his own lack of words. "Maybe I co-could bring you- bring you some leftovers one day? I don't want you to starve."

"That'd be nice actually." Connor said. He bit his bottom lip, hoping he wasn't being weird or anything. Evan perked up at that. He felt like he was actually making a friend. Jared looked at his phone. "I'll see you two later. I gotta go." Jared left with a salute.

Evan and Connor both sat there in silence. "What's your first period?" Connor asked. _What a question.._

"I h-have Physics."

"Cool. I have art." Connor leaned back on the bench. He was starting to feel a bit more comfortable with Evan.

"That soun- sounds fun." Evan tapped his fingers on his arm. He bit his lip, debating if he should ask to see his art. _Would it be too much? I know that some people don't really like showing it. And I don't want him to feel forced to show me.._ Evan took a deep breath and decided to push forward and ask.

"Can I- can i-i see some of it.?" Connor looked at him curiously.

"My art?" Connor asked. No one's really wanted to before.

"Y-yeah. If that- that's alright. You don't have to if your uncomfortable or-"

"Wow Hansen. You really do worry a lot." Connor cut him off with a smirk. "And.. yeah. I can show you some of you want." Evan nodded his head with a blush.

Connor reached into his backpack to search for his sketchbook. He felt the familiar spiral spine of the book and pulled it out. The cover was rich black with a few stickers on the corners. One was of a joint with smoke coming out the end. Another was a cute little taco that Evan wouldn't expect him to have. There were a few other small ones, but the one that stood out to him was a small gay pride flag.

"You're gay?" Evan asked without thinking. He realized what he said and covered his mouth. His eyes were wide and he felt horrible for asking that.

Connor chuckled at Evans expression. "Yeah, I am."

"T-thats cool." Evan blushed and looked down at his lap.

"What are.. what are you?" Connor asked awkwardly. This could make or break his chances.

"My- my sexuality?"

"Yeah." Connor fiddled with his thumbs.

"I- I think I'm bi? Like, I mostly like girls but there's a-a couple of guys tha-that I've liked." Evan face was blood red. Talking about this stuff was weird to him.

Connor smiled. _So, I have a little chance._ "An-anyway, let's look at your art, yeah?" Connor giggled. He held his sketchbook close to him so Evan wouldn't see everything he had drawn.

After flipping through a few pages, he found one that he thought Evan would like. It was of a tall trees, were it looks like it's panning up to look into the sea of green leaves. Connor rubbed his thumb over the corner of the book. He hopped Evan liked it.

"Wow.." Evan said as he looked at the picture. "This is so cool. You're really good at art." He looked up at Connor with a smile. Connor blushed at the praise. He flipped through more pages trying to find another one to show.

Connor showed a few more pictures to Evan and Evan couldn't help but smile at how proud Connor looked. He genuinely enjoyed art and was passionate about it. _It's cute.._ Evan shook his head and went back to admiring Connors picture until the bell rang.

"I'll see you at lunch." Connor said as he slung his bag on his back. Evan nodded his head. They both went to their first period with a smile.


	6. Is Mr. Tero gay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor sees Evan and feel concerned. He emails his school's account in hope to cheer him up.
> 
> Evan also overhears a conversation and his teacher could be gay. (spoiler, he is)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is kinda a filler chapter. I'm currently writing a BMC/DEH smut book with my friend on wattpad, so I've been really busy with that and schools work so here's a little chapter while you wait. Ik it's not very good (compared to the usual masterpiece that is my usual chapters lol)

Evan sat in his seat, watching his fingers tap on the desk. He couldn't stop thinking about Connor for some reason. _Just how happy he seemed talking about art. His eyes lit up and he’d flip the pages carefully, trying not to smudge the pencil. And he had dimples! It was so cute. Not cute- er, uh, attractive..? No- Arg, uh, pleasant.. Looking? Yes. Very pleasant looking. And his hair.. So long and fluffy.. It makes him even more pleasant looking. And-_

"5 minutes left." The teacher called from her desk. Evan snapped back to reality and resumed answering the few questions left on the small packet. Looking at the clock, he began to panic because he didn’t know the last questions. He bit his nails as panic was slightly eating at his brain. _I need to get a good grade. If not, I could be brought down to a ‘b’ and that be could easily be brought down to a ‘c’ and then all my classes could be brought down and then_ ** _boom_** _no scholarship and then I’ll be an even bigger disappointment to mom-_ The bell rang, cutting him off from his thoughts again.

With a gulp he glanced over the 5 questions and picked the answer that made the most sense. He gathered his stuff in his arms and placed the packet on the teachers desk, hoping there was still some time before the halls were over crowded with teens trying to get to their class.

He walked out the door _and_ \- he was too late. His mind was being clouded over as people were getting too close to him and lightly touching him. It got on his nerves and made him upset for no reason. Just feeling people nearby was triggering his anxiety. Probably a sensory overload. All his senses merged together as tears brim his eyes. And it's not like he could fiddle with his fingers either, he was holding all his stuff because he had to rush out the door.

Connor looked around the halls, recalling seeing Evan walk down this way sometimes. His eyes shifted, looking at people trying to find the anxious boy in the halls instead of looking down at the floor, letting his feet carry him wherever they went like usual. Once he saw the bright blue shirt and light brown hair he smiled. But when he looked into his eyes, he saw Evans panic and tears and frowned.

Connor wanted to reach out and comfort Evan, but just as he saw him he had disappeared into the crowd. He bit his lip and continued to walk forward. They didn’t have a class together until 4th period and it was only second. There was no way to get in contact with him, they didn’t have eachothers numbers, social media, or know where his class was. Well, there was one thing he could do.

Pushing through the crowd, Connor eventually made it to his class. He sat down and pulled his chromebook out and logged onto his school account. Everyone's school emails were similar, the only difference being their names, so Connor composed a short message.

‘Are u ok? I saw you and you looked upset.’ _That's stupid.._

‘Hey evan, this is connor. You seemed upset in the hall and i wanted to know if you’re alright.’ _Eh, good enough_. He hesitantly pressed send, hoping he didn’t sound too weird or creepy.

Evan sat down at his seat. All by himself. He didn’t know most of these people- or well, he knew _of_ them, but never talked to any of them. He had no one to talk to or to ease him from his panic. No one to pat his back, wipe his tears, comfort him. All alone. Just like always. _No friends, one family friend, no one really cares. The least I can do is get good grades so I can possibly have a future, but I’ll probably screw that up too. Just like everything else. I’m a screw up son, having anxiety and wasting all my mom’s money. Dad probably left because of me too. Who wants a stuttering mess for a son? And Jared is just ashamed of me. I just ruin his reputation by being near him.._

The teacher, Mr. tero, cleared his throat as he closed the door, signaling the lesson was starting soon. “Ok class. I just got a call and my daughter is sick, so I’ll have to go get her. There isn’t a sub so you’ll be in the gym. Just let me make this call first.” He said. Most students were excited, high fiving each other with smiles, but Evan just wanted to sit down. All the students packed their bags, preparing to leave.

Evan sat near the teachers desk. No one else really did, because they had friends. Evan didn’t. It’s like when he fell from the tree and no one was there for him. It wasn’t all that long ago when his cast was removed, but it felt like so much time had passed. Maybe because he could use that arm now. Maybe because the attention on him was gone. Or maybe because he’d changed. Changed from a boy with little hope to a guy who’s left with nothing other than reminders of how.. How _awful_ he is.

“Hey baby, violets sick so I have to pick her up” _He must be talking to his wife._ Evan pouted as he’s just reminded of the future he’ll never have.

“Jay, calm down. She just has a little fever.. No, don’t take off work we need the money.” _Jay? Is that a girl's name?_

“Yes I’m sure she’ll be fine. I can take care of her.. Remember when we met?” A smile played at Mr. Tero’s lips. “You totally hurled on my shoes.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “And I helped you get better.”

He brought his voice down to a quiet whisper. “You’re my husband because I love you. You married me because I know what I'm doing. I promise you she’ll be fine. Love you, see you at home.” He brought the phone away from his ear and smiled.

 _Is Mr. Tero gay?_ Evan looked around and no one seemed to be listening to his conversion. Mr. Tero turned around and saw Evan looking at him. “Did you- did you hear that?” He asked with his thumb pointing back to his phone. Evans face flushed as he nodded his head. Mr. Tero eyes widened and he ran a hand through his hair again. He walked closer to Evan and bent down near him.

“Please don’t tell anyone I’m married to a guy. I haven’t exactly...came out to many people.” He whispered. Evan nodded his head and didn’t say a word. He was kinda embarrassed. Mr. Tero smiled and stood back up. He grabbed his bag and walked toward the door, waiting for the students to line up behind him. _I didn’t expect that.. Wow, he’s actually gay. Maybe.. Maybe I could talk to him about some problems._ Evan didn’t really think back to his panic. He tried to ignore it while his mind was distracted.

Once the class got to the gym, it was already crowded with student running around the floor, or sitting on the bleachers. Evan hated the gym. There were always too many people and hardly any free space to sit without being too close to someone. With a gulp, he walked around, trying to find an isolated area.

He sighed in relief when he saw a place by itself and walked up the stairs to quickly reach it. Evan pulled out his chromebook to start working on some homework. He went to his school email, trying to find the worksheet his teacher sent to the class. His face scrunched up when he saw that he had an email from.. _Connor?_

Evan read the message and felt a smile tug at his lips. _Connor cares about me. He actually cares. We haven’t known each other for long, about a day really.. But he really wants to be my friend._ Evan typed a quick response to Connor. He didn’t know what to say, but after many _many_ attempts he finally came up with something.. Ok?

‘Yeah, I’m good now. I did feel a bit upset but I think I'm ok. Thanks for aksing though^-^’

Connor refreshed the page for the 50th time this period. He smiled when he saw Evan had emailed him back. He blushed again after reading it because _Evan even rights cute._

‘I’m glad to hear that. If you don’y mind me asking, whats wrong?’

Evan was chewing his nail. _Does Connor actually mean I could talk to him? Or is it like a ‘Just saying it to be nice’ kinda thing? Well, maybe he means it. Why else would he include it?_

‘Thanls agian. It’s just that I was distracted during this test thing in first period and so I didn’t get to finish it and i was worried it would bring down my grade. And then the hallways were crowded.’

_Delete. delete. delete._

‘I was just kinda worried about grades I guess. Nothing real importint, but thanks for asking anyways :)’

‘That suck man. i’m sorry about that. What’re you doing now?’

‘Nothing really. My teacher left so I’m in the gym right now.’

‘Lucky. i’m dieing of boredom rn.’

Evan laughed softly and continued to write Connor for the entire period. It gave him this weird feeling in his stomach that felt oddly familiar to when he used to look at Zoe. He genuinely enjoyed talking to Connor, seeing his face, and those little weird feelings that he was starting to feel again. Little did he know, Connor felt those things too.


	7. Lunch Is Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan get to learn more about each other and the group at lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeye. I'm sorry that i've written like 7 chapters and it's still like the first day. I just have fun writing and get caught up in it so.. yeah. Anyway, happy somewhat early Valentines day (or Valntyne's if you've watched 5sos cocktail chats).

Evan couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he walked to his 4th period. He had emailed Connor for two periods, and now he was going to see him in class. He left his previous class a bit early, so the halls weren't as crowded, which made the walk to pre-cal. a lot faster.

Evan sat down in his usual seat, the one by itself. It was isolated most of the time, no one wanted to sit in the dusty corner, so he decided to sit there. He didn't have to worry about some random kid sitting next to him, or someone sitting there, and kept the teacher from calling on him as much. He was surprised Connor didn't sit there himself.

Connor walked in the room. He looked like his usual gloomy self. Resting bitch face, dull eyes, slouched posture. But when he saw Evan he smiled slightly before trying to regain his previous composure and pulled a seat next to him.

"Hey" Connor said with a small wave. Evan smiled and said hey back. You couldn't see it, but Connor felt a smile tug at his lips again.

"Ok, where did we leave off?" Connor asked, his arms loosely crossed by his stomach.

"Uh, I think it was with you- uh, with you about to tell me some facts about yourself."

Connor nodded his head, a finger to his chin as he tried to think of some things. "I'm not the most interesting person, obviously" he started while

subconsciously twirling his hair with his index finger and scrunched his nose up a bit.

"Ok, my favorite color, black, of course, and also lilac. But you keep that a secret” he brought his finger to his lips, tapping against them. Evan nodded his head and Connor let out a soft chuckle. "I'm turning 18 in April, favorite band at the moment is slipknot, I like to draw as you've seen, and that's about it." He finished. Evan smiled. He found Connor fascinating. It's like how they're so different but so similar in a way.

“Oh cool.” Evan leaned against his desk, the side of his head resting on his fist. “I never thought that- that you’d, uh, you’d like lilac.” He gave a smug grin and Connor playfully rolled his eyes.

“I shouldn't have told you.” He mumbled, turning his face away in a pompous manner and Evan laughed. Connor kept his face to the side as a blush fanned across his cheeks. He turned back around slowly to see Evans with a great big smile and he felt like he was going to die.

“So, um- tell me about you?” Connor said, trying to move the conversation along.

“Favorite color is blue, but like a light blue. Not that dark blue is bad but- ah, ranting. Anyway, my birthday’s September 24, same as Ben Platts woo” He did a little hand motion and Connor felt all warm for some reason. He didn’t know who Ben Platt was, but he made a mental note to look him up later. “I don’t really listen to music much, but I-I like calming songs? Like, study music and classical and- yeah. . I don’t have any talents, bu- but I do have an interest in nature for some reason. I’ve started researching about trees and plants recently. A-and um, I- I’m also learning to sew.” He got nervous telling the last part. Mostly because Jared had teased him for it earlier, but Connor wasn't Jared. He was a lot more understanding.

“Nice.” Connor leaned back in his chair as he closed his eyes, processing the information Evan gave him. “If you can sew then you got a talent.” He said, glancing toward Evan, who was twiddling with his thumbs. Evan fake smiled, looking into Connor’s eyes for a second before going back to his own hands.

It was silent for a few moments. Neither knowing what to say. It was awkward, but not all too bad. It just made Evan think he’d said something wrong.

“Favorite show?” Connor asked, turning his head over toward the smaller male.

“I usually just watch documentaries and murder cases, but _Parks and Recs._ was nice.”

  
“Yeah, that was alright. I personally like _The Office._ It’s kinda a basic taste, but eh.” Connor shrugged. Evan giggled. “So, I assume you don’t watch anime?”

“Not really, but then again I don’t watch much of anything. I heard _The Devils A Part Timer_ was good though. Jared talks about it a lot.”

Connor nodded his head. “I heard it was good too. We should watch it together sometime.” Evan smiled and nodded his head.

“That’d be nice.”

The teacher sat up and handed out papers to the class. She approached Evan and Connor, a small grin on her lips. She noticed how they both sat alone, but now it looks like they’re talking to each other.

“Thank you.” Evan said as he looked at his paper. It was something his mom taught him to do, and was basically a habit.

Connor just took his and wrote his name down. Evan looked over. Connor’s handwriting is.. Unique. Evans was sorta neat and bubbly, but Connor’s was messy and wobbly. _It fits him though.. Not that he’s a mess, but like from the way he looks it makes sense he’d have messy handwriting. Not that he looks bad! It just.. It fits him.. in a way_

“Hey Evan, can you help me with the first one?”

“Oh- uh, yeah.”

__________

“Pft-” Evan held his hand over his mouth, trying to quiet his laughter.

“I shit you not.” Connor whispered, laughing as well. The teacher glared at them and Evan immediately blushed. He felt kinda embarrassed they were sorta loud, but he didn’t really care as much as he usually did.

“Why? That’s like- that's like- I don’t even know.” Evan mumbled, a smile taking over his face. Connor snorted, wiping a tear from his eye.

Their laughter eventually died down. Connor placed his hand softly on his stomach. He tugged at his sleeves again, trying to get them over his hands. Evan noticed that he kept doing that, a lot, But he didn't ask him. _Maybe it's a nervous habit._

"Ok ok, what question are we on.." Connor bit his lip as he looked at his paper, looking for where they left off. "Number 6."

They worked out the problem to themselves. Or well, Evan mostly because Connor didn't really know what he was doing.

Connor stuck his tongue out, trying to remember what to do next. "I think it's D" Evan said with one last glance at his work. Connor was finally on the last step, and it did look like it would be D.

"Yeah, I think so too."

The bell rang, signalling second lunch was starting. Evan sat up and began walking towards the door, Connor right behind him.

"Can I- can I look at more of your art?" Evan asked as they trailed down the hallway, other students pilling out of their classrooms.

"Sure, yeah. I got some on my phone." Connor pulled out his phone, which had a black case of course. He pulled up a free drawing app that had all his digital drawings saved.

"Sorry, it takes a while to load." Connor said, rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile.

"That's fine. We should, uh we should probably sit down first anyway. Do you know where Zoe usually sits?"

"Yes, it's usually over there." He pointed to a longer table towards the line of people waiting to get their food. Evan remembered the times he used to look at Zoe, admiring her every move. He didn’t really now, but he was really obsessed with her before.

They sat down across from each other, Connor showing him some art while they waited for the others. Jared walked in, waved to the two, and went into the line.

Alana and Zoe came walking in shortly after, Zoe whispering in Alana's ear with a point toward Jared. Alana blushed, although her dark skin helped hide it. Zoe snickered.

"Hey guys." She waved with a grin and sat next to Connor. The only two seats left were next to each other. Alana glared at Zoe while she crossed her arms.

Jared walked over with a tray in his hand. "sup." He made a popping noise, sitting down next to Alana.

"I'm going to go get my food" Zoe looked down at the table and saw Evan and Connor didn't have their trays. "So is Evan and Connor. Come on." Connor gave her a confused look While Evan nodded his head and sat up.

He and Zoe had actually started talking a while ago. They weren't friends, barely acquaintances honestly. Evan had overheard them talking about Alana's crush on Jared one day and they swore him to secrecy. They occasionally talk to him and agreed one day to have lunch so Alana could talk to Jared some. Hence why they're all sitting at the table together.

Zoe gripped her brother's wrist and pulled him up. Connor winced, hoping his sleeves would block out the feel of his scars. She didn't seem to notice.

"Hey Jared." Alana said with a smile.

"Hey." Jared replied before taking a bite of his ham sandwich.

"So, how are you?" She asked nervously.

"I'm alright. Hella bored though." He said right after he swallowed. Alana giggled and Jared smiled. _I made her laugh.._ “What about you?”

“I’m good. Although I am kinda dreading math class. I didn’t finish my homework.”

Jared fake gasped. “ _The_ Alana Beck didn’t do her homework. The world is going to end.”

“I was just confused. I don’t know how to do it.” She pouted. Truth is, she knew how to do it, but she knew that Jared was _really_ good at math and had helped tutor people before, so maybe they could get closer that way.

“Know that’s even more confusing. I thought you knew like, everything.” He chuckled, seeing Alana look slightly flustered.

“I don’t know. Maybe I just need someone to help.” She looked into his eyes, hoping he’d catch her hint.

“I mean, I could try. Get it out and I’ll see.” Alana smiled brightly. _Yes! Victory for me._ She reached into her bookbag, which she always took to lunch for some reason, and pulled out her blue binder which had all her homework in it.

“Wow, you’re taking calculos too?” Jared asked. He didn’t know someone he knew was in a college class like he was, but then again it is Alana.

“Yeah. I hate these trig equations though." She gave him a nervous smile. He looked at the paper she placed in front of him, looking at each equation.

"Ok, I mean if you want I can help?" He offered, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. Alana nodded.

Jared went on to explain the first problem. And Alana seemed to understand pretty well. _Me. Jared Kleinman. Helping the biggest, cutest need in the school. And she actually gets what I'm saying. Maybe I am a good teacher.._

"I'm just saying, the water should _not_ cost that much." Connor said, taking a sip from his water bottle.

"Hey guys. What took so long?" Jared asked, dropping the pencil from his hand.

"Connor said the school food was discussing so he wanted to go to the vending machine. And then started yacking about how everything costs too much." Zoe said while Evan just awkwardly sat down.

"Well, it's too damn much. They raised the prices by 25¢."

"That's how they make extra money, Connor. They gotta make a profit."

"Yeah, but I would like to keep my extra 25¢" he shot back, sitting in his seat across from Evan. Evan had his hands resting on the table, laying flat against it and Connor wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold his hands. He'd give his extra 25¢ for that..

Zoe rolled her eyes and slumped down in her seat. She brought the apple juice carton to her lips, taking a sip of the liquid.

"Hey is that Lucas?" Connor asked and Zoe almost spit her juice out. She watched as Lucas walked over to a tale in the center of the cafeteria. He looked at her and winked before turning around and talking to his friends.

"Did you see that?" Zoe asked, grasping Alana's arm.

"He totally winked at you." She said, gripping Zoe's arm back.

"What's.. happening?" Jared asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning forward on his elbows.

"Zoe's crush just winked at her, catch up." Alana said, turning to look at Jared.

Evan giggled while looking and Alana and Zoe get excited. Connor just stared at Evan, admiring how _cute_ he was. Jared just smirked at how lovesick Connor was.

They continued to talk through lunch about random things. It was nice for all of them.

"Ok, do you guys wanna sit together at the pep rally?" Zoe asked before stuffing another chip in her mouth.

"Sure." Jared said while the rest nodded their heads.

Zoe looked at the time on her phone. It was 3 minutes until their lunch was over. "Ah, we should leave before it gets crowded." Zoe said as Alana gathered her things.

"Yeah, third lunch has _way_ to many people and it's a bitch trying to get back to class." Jared agreed, leaving to dump his tray in the trash can. “See you guys in the gym.”

Zoe, Alana, and Jared left while Connor and Evan walked together down the hallway.

They walked through the door and the teacher gave them a smile before going back down to grading papers. There weren't many people there, a few girls whispering in the corner and two other guys playing on their phones.

The bell rang as they sat in their seats. Evan looked down at his paper "Ok, let's do question 7."


	8. Pep-Rally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group of new bonding friends sit together for a annoying, at least to Evan and Connor, pep- rally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I had a depression break. My self esteem was like "no" but then I felt bad I didn't update, even though this story has like, no plans and no one cares, and so I wrote this in 2 days. It sucks but I wanted to get through this day in the story finally. And idk if a lot of schools have pep- rallies, I know my friend from a different state doesn't and she didn't know what it was, so real quick it's like an assembly where everyone gathers into the gym and gets excited for a game that's happening that night.

"Shit" Connor mumbled as he walked through the gym, accidentally stepping on someone's shoe. It was crowded in there with so many teens looking for their friends sitting in the bleachers. And he was looking for his own. Or well, as Alana would put it, his acquaintances.

"Connor!" He heard a shout and looked up to see his sister waving a hand. He made his way up the steps, trying not to trip over someone again.

"Hey" he mumbled as he took a seat on the bleachers. "Where's Evan?"

"Oh wow, thinking of Evan huh?"

"Shut up." He said a slight humor in his tone. His face was still stern but his eyes were soft. Zoe knew he wasn't mad.

"Oh hush. You know you like when I tease you."

"Well not _you_ teasing me."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Did you just-"

"Did I get whiff of some kinky shit over here?" Jared interrupted, sitting in the space Connor had left for Evan.

Connors face fell. He won't be able to sit next to Evan now. _Actually, he might not sit near me at all._ Connor watched as the bleachers were filling and their spot was closing in.

He looked over and saw a panicked looking Evan turn his head, looking for the group. He was scared, anyone could tell just glancing at him. His hands were fiddling with his sleeves, his eyes were full of worry.

Connor wanted to reach out. To yell or something. But he was too nervous.

"Evan! Over here!" Zoe screamed from her seat, her hand high up in the air like when she called for him.

Connor narrowed his eyes, feeling kinda disappointmented in himself. _Evans on the verge of a panic attack and I sat still like a fucking jerk._

By the time Evan was near their seats, there weren't many places left. Evans face fell again and Connor just desperately wanted to get up and sit somewhere with him. He wanted to be near Evan. _What's wrong with me.._

A couple sitting in front of Connor sat up from their seats and walked up the stairs. _Oh thank God._ Evan thought in his head, feeling relieved he didn't have to sit alone.

"Hey guys." Evan said as he sat down in front of Connor, his back laying lightly on Connors legs. Connor smiled. The contact made his heart flutter. _Relax Connor, it's just his back. He probably doesn't even know he's touching you._

"Hey Evan." Zoe said as she pulled Alana's bag next to her, pulling out a water bottle.

"Hey, that's mine!" Alana said as Zoe took a drink.

"I'm thirsty." She screwed the lid back on and handed it back to her friend.

Evan laughed, looking at the two and hearing their friendly bickering. He glanced at Connor and blushed when he caught Connors glare. _Did I do something wrong?_

"H-hi, uh, Connor. How's your day been?" Evan awkwardly meeped out. _What am I doing.._

"Oh, I'm fine.. What about you?"

“It’s been, well, it’s been alright. I guess”

Connor raised his eyebrow, a softer expression taking over his face. It’s almost like he was worried. “What happened?”

Evan’s face began to get flustered. He didn’t know why, but that was happening a lot now. “Nothing much really. I don’t know, It’s just my nerves getting the better of me sometimes, you know? Like everything's good and then my brains like _you're doing something wrong_ " he said in a funny voice which made Connor laugh a little. _He's such a dork.._ "and you know, I guess that's it really. But I really liked hanging out with you. Don't think that you're the reason today was iffy- you made it a lot better. I mean- like, a reasonable amount better. Not-"

"Chill man. I get it." Connor interrupted with a small grin. Evans' face turned a little more red.

"Sorry.." Evan mumbled as he looked down at his arm.

"S'ok. I don't mind the rant, just didn't want you to explode." Connor laughed. Jared looked down at them with a small smile. Zoe did the same. They both knew something was happening between them.

"Alright, calm down" the principal spoke into the microphone in the middle of the gym floor. "Who's excited for the football game tonight!" He raised his hand in the air, a bunch of other kids following. Zoe raised her hand, along with Alana.

"Woah, what a crowd that'll be. I encourage everyone to try to come down. $5 a ticket and it's here in our football field. So come on down tonight and support our sports players!" He cheered and students clapped their hands.

"I hate these.." Connor mumbled as the principle called out the names of all the football players one by one.

"Me too. There are too many- too many people." Evan replied as he relaxed a little into Connors legs. Connor blushed and tensed up. _What should I do?_ "U-uh, yeah."

"I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable-" Evan said as he realized he was touching Connor and tried to sit up.

"No no- it's fine. Im- I'm cool.. with that." He rushed out awkwardly and Evan hesitantly layed back down.

Connors face felt hot as Jared wiggled his eyebrows up and down. Connor looked away, glancing down to Evans hair. He bit his lip, deciding if it'd be normal to just, run his fingers through it. Cause that's all he could think about. Feeling how soft it was between his fingertips, making Evan feel good. But what if he accidentally pulled it? Or what if Evan didn't like to be touched?

He decided _fuck it_ and lightly traced his finger over Evans scalp. Evan tensed up and the sudden touch, but calmed down when Connor started to comb his fingers through it.

Connor loved the feel of it. It was nice, and comfy. It smelled good too. Evan liked it as well. It made him feel good and calm. He suddenly didn't seem to care about all the people nearby him. It's like he was in a trance. But that was soon broken when everyone started standing up to cheer as the band played one of their classics.

Of course, Zoe and Alana stood up, along with Jared, but Connor didn't move and Evan figured _why should I?_

When the song ended, a few people walked down for the competitions against each year.

"Oh, these are my favorite!" Zoe exclaimed as she elbowed Jared's side.

"Ow, the fuck!?" Jared held his side where she got it.

"Sorry, but not really." She elbowed him again. Jared groaned and scooted closer to Connor, which earned a grimace from him.

"Ugh, when's this gonna be over?" Evan giggled and laid his head down on Connors knee.

"I hope it's soon." He replied as he closed his eyes.

"Ye _a_ h" Connors voice cracked a little.

A while later after a couple more cheers, games, and speeches, the pep-rally was finally over. "Thank God." Connor sighed as he stood up for his seat. He stretched his arms out with a yawn.

"Come on Connor, lets go." Zoe said as she grabbed her backpack.

"Actually, I think I might take the bus."

"Ok" Zoe gave him a wink after she realized why and walked out back to the parking lot.

"Hey Evan. What afternoon bus do we ride?"

"65" he mumbled, grabbing his things as well.

"Can I.. sit with you?"

"Y-yeah, of course." Evan Bagan walking towards the bus stop, talking to Connor the entire time.


	9. Jacking Off?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's imagination gets pretty frisky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to write a jacking off scene for 2 reasons. 1.) is because I plan to write smut, and there's a tag for it, but it will be farther along in the story so I figured I'd write something along the lines. Another reason is because my school is out for 3 weeks. 2 for the virus, and 1 for our spring break. I want to take this time to work on my school work that i'll be pilled up with and spend some time with my family, so I'll be taking a break from writing basically completely until school starts again.
> 
> I drew some art for this chapter. It's not very good but i'm pretty proud of how Evans picture tuned out.

Connor got home that day, a smile on his face as he leaned against the front door. "Hey Connor," Zoe said as she looked at him from the couch. "What's got you so happy?" She smirked, already knowing the answer.

Connor coughed and tried to make his face emotionless. "Nothing." He walked over to the couch on the opposite side, flopping down on the cushion.

"So it's not that you talked to Evan, mmm, basically all day, even after school?"

Connor's face flushed. "N _o._ "

"Sure." She took a sip of her tea.

"Whatever, I'm going to my room." He said angrily as he took off his shoes, leaving them in the middle of the floor.

He stomped his way upstairs, trying to act as angry as he could, but when he got to his room he jumped on his bed and smiled brightly. He felt like a giddy schoolgirl.

No matter how hard he tried, not that he actually tried, Connor couldn't get Evan out of his head. _He's so cute, like what the fuck!? How..? and his favorite color is light blue. That explains the wardrobe. His smile oh my God. When anyone talks to him, that little smile he gives. I wonder if he'd smile when we kiss? No, that's weird Connor. But it'd be fucking adorable. Seeing his blush. What if I bit his bottom lip? Or what if he bit mine?_

Connor continued his train of thought, it getting slightly dirtier the further it progressed. He was horny, that was for sure. His hand slowly ran down his body till he got to the bulge that was growing in his pants. He palmed at it and bit his lip. He really liked the pressure.

It'd been a while since Connor had masterbated. Too long.. He unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down, feeling a need to touch himself more. He was debating if he should actually continue. Zoe and his mom were home, which was a risk of either walking into his room for some odd reason, or them hearing something. But he was so tempted.. Suddenly an idea popped into his head.

_What Evan had an instagram account?_

Now, Connor shook the thought away, deciding that it'd be bad to jack off to a picture of his new friend because it was weird. And creepy. But it kept coming back. It gave him chills, just thinking of seeing his face as his dick was stroked. His lips around his throbbing cock. Evan's eyes squinted closed as Connor thrusted in and out. In and out and in and out and in.

 _Ah, what the hell.._ Connor stood up from his bed, his erection feeling very uncomfortable in his boxers as he walked towards the door, locking it and turning off the lights. He walked slowly back to his bed, deciding if he should actually do this. But then the thought came back, haunting his mind. The soft touches he could feel, the griping, the scratching, and hair pulling, the begging, the moans, screams, pleads..

With one last deep breath, Connor pulled down the last barrier between his dick and settled on his mattress, the cold sheets made him shiver. He opened his phone, which was on 25%, and got on instagram. He never really gets on the app, mostly for band updates, so there were a lot of new things to look at. But he went straight to the search bar, tying in Evan's name slowly. Each letter he pressed felt like a delightful sin as he continued to type, and type, hoping to find something.

He let out a sigh when he found his account, feeling all bubbly inside. He tapped on what is now probably his favorite picture ever. It was Evan outside, a light blue sweater on with. The caption was 'Picnic outside'. His eyes were closed, a huge smile on his face. A faint blush was over his cheeks and his freckles seemed to shine. He immediately favorited it..

(I drew cause I was bored :/)

He gave his cock one stroke, which made him bit his lip. He continued to stroke himself, one finger going from the base to the tip and back down. "Gah," He gasped out as he scrolled down on his phone. He gripped his entire dick with his hand, giving himself more friction.

Connor kept scrolling through, finding all too cute pictures of Evan sitting on a tree branch, in his driveway, some in his room. One was even of him in a skirt. Connor about died at that. The majority were taken outside, the sun shining through his perfect hair, his eyes full of wonder and happiness. _I'm obsessed._ The thought rang through like a bell, but he couldn't pay much attention as he sped his pace, relishing in the feeling.

"Evan" He moaned quietly. He was trying to not moan loudly, or at all really. He didn't want someone walking in on him again. He was able to play if off last time, but just barely.

"Mm," He was breathing heavily The sound of his rough hands trying to go faster seemed to echo, but he struggling because of the lack of lube. _Fuck I have lube_

Connor reached into his drawer, searching for the desperately wanted bottle. He finally found it, piled under sketchbooks and papers so his mom wouldn't see it. He poured some of it on his hand. With a shaky breath, he rubbed it over his dick.

He went faster and faster, his hands growing sore from the awkward position it had been in for who knows how long. Not that Connor cared, his mind was too preoccupied to feel it anyway.

"Oh Evan" He whispered, imagining Evan's soft hands replacing his own. _Evan Evan Evan_ was all that Connor could think of. Every touch, Everything that left his mouth, every action was _Evan._ His name seemed to pulse through his veins. It was stuck in his throat. The air that he breathed seemed to be calling his name, rattling through every part of his body.

"Oh, oh" Connor swiped his thumb over his head again. He imagined Evan in a cute maid outfit, or bunny lingerie, straddling his waist, grinding on him. Poking and pinching his nipples. How innocent Evan would act but how _dirty_ he could be..

"Oh God" He panted out, his entire body shook as his mind had a high. His hand went stiff as he enjoyed the moment. Everything seemed to be at peace, for once.

"Fuck, now I gotta clean" Connor grabbed some tissues off his nightstand and wiped up the cum on his stomach and hand. He never really liked the smell after he jacked off, so he lit a candle in his room. _Probably should've done that beforehand.._

After everything was cleaned, he let out a long sigh as he laid down, his eyes closed softly, just enjoying how peaceful his room seemed to be. His mind did, however, plague with guilt. _Evan probably would think I'm a freak if he knew.._

Connor groaned, sorta regretting doing that but at the same time it felt great. Despite his guilt, he still decided to follow Evan, and liked his new favorite photo that could ever exist.

\---

Evan smiled as he got a new follower on instagram. He blushed lightly when he saw it was from Connor, though. It really made his day, knowing he'd made a new friend. One that actually cared for him, and wanted to hang out with him. Who _liked_ hanging out with him..

"I did it" He whispered to himself. "I actually did it!"

He started writing a new letter then, one that finally seemed to be a positive one rather than the usual one's littered with fake hope scattered across a negativity that would invade his everyday life. This time, he had a hope. And not one pinned on someone who he'd probably never talk to, it was a hope that relied on him too.

He was gaining a reason to hang on


	10. Awkward family dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor really hates these dinners Cynthia makes the family sit through. Good thing he escaped before the fighting. Also, more brother sister bonding stuff because I feel family is important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like happy Connor. I also really like Connor and Zoe getting along. I kinda view their relationship like mine with my brother, except Connor makes death threats.. But I didn't want to include things like that, so I skipped their fighting and went straight to them forming a bond. Plus, I really think they'd be good friends if they talked.

Connor shoved the fork full of food in his mouth. He grimaced, his eyebrows scrunched together as he took another dreaded bite. It tasted awful, what with his mom making "Healthy" food. He wanted to spit it out and grab some chips from the pantry, but the faster he cleaned his plate the faster he could go to his room and leave this overly awkward family dinner.

"So, how was work, Larry?" Cynthia asked, her hands clasped together. She always wanted to have these 'family dinners' so everyone could talk and "grow closer". They never really worked.

"Oh, it was alright. Those kids that got in a car wreck came in today."

"Cool." Zoe mumbled as she mashed her fork into her mashed potatoes, not wanting to hear the rest of that story. He'd most likely go on a rant about how " _teens are so stupid and should be more responsible._ "

"Well, how was, uh, school?" Cynthia tried to keep the conversation going.

"Shitty." Connor said with a stuffed mouth. Cynthia gave him a small glare for the language, but then directed her eyes to Zoe.

"Oh yeah, sure Connor." Zoe said with a teasing grin. She took a sip of her water, her eyes locked on him to see his face grow pink.

"Huh?" Cynthia looked back to her son, who looked a bit flustered as he stared wide eyed at his plate.

"Nothing, Zoe's just being a bi- uh, looking too far into things."

"Good save."

"Shut up."

"Now now, don't fight. What happened?"

Connor sharply glared at his sister sitting in front of him. Zoe wasn't actually going to tell her parents about his crush. She didn't know her parents' views on that subject, but it was fun teasing her brother.

"He's just made a new friend." She smiled, taking another bite of her food.

Connor mentally sighed with relief. He stabbed his fork at his plate.

Cynthia was glad Connor found a friend, but knowing his habits, maybe this friend wouldn't be.. The best person to hang around. "Oh really? That's wonderful dear. Who, um, who is it?"

"Evan Hansen." Zoe answered for him, seeing as Connor laid his head down on the table, giving up on talking.

"That name sounds familiar.." Larry mumbled.

"I don't think i've heard of him before. Maybe you can invite him to dinner sometime. I'd love to meet him." Cynthia smiled.

Connor, knowing his family would humiliate him, just sighed and mumbled "Yeah, maybe" despite the fact that he had no intentions of doing so

"Great," It went silent after that, the only noise being the silverware hitting the plates.

"Um Connor, can I borrow your car again tomorrow? I know I said it was only for that day, but it's taking longer then expected." Cynthia prepared to be screamed at by her son, but was pleasantly surprised when he lifted his head and didn't look angry.

"Sure. I was thinking of riding the bus tomorrow anyway."

"Really?"

"Yeah"

"Oh, well that's nice. Thanks for letting me borrow the car."

"No problem," He said with a sigh. "And I finished my dinner, so I'm going upstairs." He put his plate in the sink and rushed up the stairs, leaving a sigh from Larry.

"That boy. He's never down here. Always up in his room."

"Well maybe we should stop getting after him so much. I mean, you always have a problem with him."

"Well he's always doing something."

"Yes, but that's a teenage rebellion thing. If we just tell him our views and leave it be, I think he might grow closer."

"What? You want me to do nothing? Just keep letting him smoke weed and sneak out of the house? Because not talking about it will just encourage him to do it."

"Well, shouting at him all the time isn't working. We should show him we care, Larry. You seem to just push him away."

"He's got to learn somehow!"

"Guys," Zoe mumbled, trying to catch her parents from fighting again.

"But we should show him support in the things he does." Cynthia chimed in, ignoring her daughter's whispers.

"I'll show him support when he does something worth supporting!"

"Larry, he probably has done many wonderful things but he's too scared to tell us. We hardly give him the chance! When was the last time you said you were proud of him. Or that you love him. He's your son too."

"Mom," Zoe spoke up again. Her eyes were glossy as her parents were fighting again. Just like always. It's like they don't love each other anymore.. Like there's no more support in her life.

"Oh yeah! When's the last time you told him? I love him just as much as you do. But- but what am I supposed to do! Approve his bad behavior?"

"No, I didn't say that! Just, talk to him without chastising him for once. Show him you care!"

"You should too! Why should I have to be the only one to do anything!"

"I didn't say only you should, I'm just saying we all should for Connor!"

Zoe couldn't take it anymore. _Connor Connor Connor,_ She mocked in her head. _It's always about fucking Connor. 'We should do this for him' and 'That might upset him'. I've done nothing wrong to him. He's done everything to_ _me_ _. I'm the victim here. All those nights he's banged on my door. All the threats of killing me. He's stolen my money, my things, my parents.._

Zoe stormed off to her room. Cynthia sighed, holding her fingers on the bridge of her nose. "Look what we did. Now Zoe ran off."

"Well," Larry let out a sigh, not knowing what to do. He hated the fighting. Being so distant from his wife seemed to make the days last so long. Too long. "I'm sorry." He mumbled as he leaned back in his chair. _What am I doing anymore?_

"I- me too Larry. God, why are we always fighting? We can't seem to do anything right"

Larry chuckled, giving a nod. "It seems so," He sat up and walked to the cabinet. "Want a drink?"

\---

Zoe slammed her door shut and jumped on her bed. A few sobs escaped her lips and tears poured down her face. Not only is her parents fighting scary, but it's mostly about the same thing. _Connor_ _._ Why couldn't they talk about her for once? _Why won't they pay attention to me?_ _Get after me!_ It sounds weird to want, but Zoe wanted attention from them. She's always been in her brother's shadow. Sure, her parents are proud of her, but can they ever _worry_ about her. _I have feelings too! Don't they ever see that I have problems!?_

There was a soft knock at her door. Zoe looked up, her vision blurry. "Go away mom!" She shouted before burying her head back in the pillow.

"It's Connor." He said cracking open the door.

"Still, go away." He was the last person she wanted to see.

Despite her order, Connor walked in. He jumped on the foot of her bed, his stomach facing the ceiling.

"I said go away."

"What's wrong?" He asked, his hands behind his head, acting as a pillow.

"Nothing." She mumbled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

"Okay." He stared at the fan, watching the blades circle by.

"Are you just gonna stay there?" Zoe asked after a while of silence. She was kinda getting annoyed.

"Yup."

"For how long?"

"Until you feel better."

Zoe was taken aback. _Why? Connor has never been here before, he's not doing anything. What the hell is he doing?_

"..Why?"

"I'm repaying you for yesterday. You know, I'm not gonna let you be alone. If you don't wanna talk, fine. But I'm not just gonna leave you sobbing. It's disturbing my peace and quiet." He smirked at her.

Zoe smacked him with a pillow, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. _Maybe Connor really is changing.. I said I'd forgiven him but there I was, blaming him for all my problems.. I should work on that._

"Hey," Connor mumbled, throwing the pillow back at her. "Pillow fight?"

"You mean like when we were kids?" She asked, a judging look on her face.

"Yeah, why not." He grabbed the biggest pillow on her bed, grasping it in his hands. "Scared you can't beat me?"

Zoe grabbed a longer pillow, a determined look on her face. "You're on" She smiled, throwing the pillow at his face. Her eyes were still red and cloudy, but she felt distracted from her problems.

"Not fair, we didn't say we could go yet!"

"That doesn't matter. This is war" She hit him again.

\---

"Hey, you should go get some snacks." Connor mumbled, turning his head to his sister.

"I won, so why should I?"

"Because I'm dead. You killed me with your pillow, I'm a ghost now" He dramatically placed his hand over his forehead.

"Fine. Only if you stop being so melodramatic." She mopes off her bed and walked to the door. She gave her brother a glare before descending down the stairs.

Connor turned on the tv as he waited for Zoe to come back, trying to decide on what to watch.

"Ew ew ew," Zoe said as she came back up with a bed of chips and two cans of coca cola in her arms. She closed the door with her foot and turned to look at Connor in fear.

"What?" He chuckled, seeing her expression.

"Mom. Mom and dad. Ew ew ew, they were making out. Like tongue."

"Ew, the fuck! why would you tell me that?" He scrunched his nose, trying to get that scene out of his head. It was _far_ from pleasant.

"I'm not suffering alone."

"Weren't they just fighting?"

"Yeah. I don't know what happened. I think they were drunk. I saw a bottle of wine on the table."

"That's gross. I don't want to stay on this subject."

"Same," she hopped on the bed after throwing Connor the bag of chips. He opened it, taking a hand full and stuffing it in his mouth. He hasn't really eaten anything in awhile, besides his mom's awful dinner. "But I mean at least it means they're doing.. Ok. Like, they still love each other I guess. Enough to make out in the kitchen."

"Zoe! I'm eating." Connor said with his mouth full.

"Sorry!" She threw her hands up before opening her pop. "What'cha wanna watch?"

"I don't know. Maybe.."

"If you say _The Office_ I will cry."

"What? What's wrong with _The Office_?"

"Nothing really, it's just you and everyone else watch it. All. The. Time. What about _To All The Boys I've loved before_?"

"No, I don't wanna watch romance shit. I want comedy."

"There's some funny parts."

"Yeah, but it's not the sole purpose."

"Ok, how about one of those cringey rip off movies?"

"Like _Ratatoing_?"

"Yeah, Jared gave me a link?"

"What the fuck?"

"Let me get my Chromebook out." Zoe reached for her bad and pulled out her school laptop.

"But like- why would Jared have that?"

"It's Jared."

"True"

And with that, they watched a couple Disney rip-off movies until they got sleepy.

Connor stumbled to his room, his eyes closing shut. _Wow, another good day with my sister.._ he buried himself under his dark blue covers. _This is weird.. I'm surprised we're not fighting. Like, at all.._

Connor actually felt.. happy? There was Evan, which was obviously the best thing, his sister and him are forming an actual bond again, and his parents.. they might do alright.

Connor might do alright..


	11. Guilty Pleasures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan have a fluff moment before Jared comes along and.. well.. he's Jared doing Jared things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AaahHhHhH i just remembered that the last chapter with Evan is on Friday and the dinner should've been Friday night and that there's a weekend but Cynthia wanted to use his car the next day. I'm sorry I screwed up but let's just say that she wanted to use his car on Monday. Thank you!! Also, I have a weird feeling that people are gonna hate this chapter. Idk why, but if I wrote anything offensive I'm really sorry. Again, I don't think there's anything offensively wrong with it, but I'm stupid and this feeling won't go away, so idk.

Connors alarm blared through his ears, the wracking noise making him jump up from his slumber. _Ah hell, I’m still alive.._ His thoughts grumbled as he stood up, his messy, tangled hair falling down to his shoulders.

Strolling to his drawer, a loud yawn forced past his lips as he struggled to find the will to get ready. His eyes drooped with tiredness as his arms stretched out in front of him, his muscles tensing up before relaxing at his side. Waking up was the worst for him. Like, who _wants_ to wake up when you can just.. Sleep. Let your problems disappear in an endless black void. Or when he somehow does have dreams, be brought into a different world filled with.. Whatever he dreams about.

“Holy fuck I have to restart everything.” He mumbled as he looked at his clock. Nothing ever changes. It is always the same thing, the endless cycle of the days repeating in front of his eyes as he just waits until highschool is over. _Well, maybe things will change?_ Look at Connor, starting to open up to optimism. _Hell, it’ll probably go back to the same thing. What with my shitty behavior._ And back to pessimism.

_I can’t let things go back, it would fucking suck. He’s only actually been in my life for one day, but I can’t let Evan go. I can’t fuck up like normal._

With a determined inhale, Connor vowed that he’d change. For Evan to stick around. How's he going to do that? He doesn’t have a clue, but he’s sure as hell gonna try. _Maybe I’ll smoke less weed..?_ Just the thought made him scowl, but like- what else could he do?

He scrunched his eyebrows together and picked out random clothes from his drawers (he did laundry yesterday). “Showers, right. I’m taking daily showers now” He said with his eyes closed as he tried to gain the power to walk to the bathroom.

\---

_Wow I can’t do this_ Connor’s eyes kept closing as he sat on the bus. He’s desperately trying to stay awake so he could see Evan, but his eyelids forced themselves down. His head rested against the smudged, uncomfortable window. _I shouldn't stay up so late over the weekend.._

“Hey Connor” Connor jumped as his head shot off the window.

“Oh fuck Evan, you scared me.” Connor said with a hand over his heart.

“I’m sorry” Evan giggled and put his backpack on his lap. “You look, uh, pretty- pretty dead. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, just really tired. I didn't go to sleep until like, three? That was early compared to the day before.” Connor said with a half smile, half drooping eyes.

"Ah, I do that a lot. It's not fun during school though." Evan rubbed a hand up his arm.

"I'll probably pass out during class." Connor sighed as he gathered his hair behind him.

"That's not good. I'll let you get back to sleep I'm sorry for bothering you-"

"It's fine," Connor swatted his hand. "I couldn't sleep against this stupid window anyway. It’s really uncomfortable."

“You can- you can, uh, lay on my shoulder.” Evan offered, his face surrounded in red. His eyes looked into Connor’s and he just looked so cute.

Connor’s heart pounded in his chest. His hands felt weak and his mind was clawing at him to say _yes_ but it couldn’t rush past his lips despite every part of his body wanting him to. “A-as payback for Friday. Since you, um, you helped me calm down. At the pep rally”

"Thanks. That's uh, thanks." Connor breathed out with a smile, his cheeks a deep shade of rosy red. _Aw, fuck yeah!_

Connor hesitantly started leaning down, but then he remembered he's tall. Taller than Evan. _Oh boy this is going to be uncomfortable.._ he could lay on his head, but he said shoulder. _Ah, what am I doing?_

Evan looked down and noticed how panicked Connor looked. _Why would he look so panicked about a friend?_ He brought his attention to how he'd have to bend in the small space. "Oh, I'm sorry. That's uh, you're taller than I thought." He smiled nervously. Evan laid his head on Connors arm, his arm wrapping around Connors. Connor about lost it. "You can lay on my head." 

Connors eyes widened about how _adorable_ Evan was. _He's so nice, and sweet, and cute, and he's got an ass, and I wanna kiss him._ His mind was a straight path of _Evan_ while his stomach was all over the place, butterflies trying to breakthrough. He could feel the blood pulsing through his veins.

"Thanks" he mumbled because he didn't think he had the power to say it any louder. His head carefully laid down on top of Evans and he felt so warm. And peaceful.

Evan giggled and closed his eyes, feeling a bit sleepy himself. He'd normally never do this for someone, mostly because he was concerned about people looking, but Evan was determined to put it past him. He was making a new friend and he wanted to _keep_ that new friend. He was going to be as nice as possible and try to forget about the nagging in his brain.

Connors eyes closed tightly as he _tried_ to get some sleep. He couldn't. His mind was racing a mile a minute and he was wide awake _._ How could he sleep? There are so many reasons why he couldn't sleep. For one his crush is _voluntarily laying on his arm._

The bus was almost at the highschool. Evan put one backpack strap around his arm and was waiting for Connor to pull away, but he didn't. "Uh, Connor?"

Connor didn't want to move. His eyes were still closed so maybe he can pretend he's asleep and just stay a little longer.

Evan sighed and nuzzled his head against Connors arm, liking the feeling of having someone to lean on. Connor literally forgot how to breath. He tried to act asleep but it was hard because _holy shit._

"Connor" Evan softly whispered, still thinking he was asleep. Connor could only imagine them waking up in the same bed together in the morning. "Connor, we're here"

Connor had to fake waking up. He rubbed his eyes and let out a yawn as he stood up and made his way to the front of the bus, right behind Evan.

"So, do you feel better?" Evan asked as he sat down at a table in the cafeteria.

"Yeah, those fifteen minutes made a big difference." He looked down at the table to hide his cheeks.

"I'm glad." Evan smiled. "I-I'm, I'm gonna get in line. Be right back."

Connor watched as he walked away. _He really does have an ass.._ once he was out of site, Connor put his head down on the table, his arms around his face. He was hungry too, but he didn't want to get up. Especially if it's for _school_ food.

Connor sat up at the sound of a tray hitting the table. He was expecting Evan, but was severely disappointed when he saw Jared.

"What do you want?"

"I usually sit with Evan in the morning. That's his backpack, right?"

"Yeah" Connor sighed. _I’m not gonna be alone with him anymore.._

"So.. ya got yourself a boyfriend now?"

"What?"

"Evan. You guys are dating now, right?"

Connor's face flushed as he rubbed his finger. "No. We've only known each other for a day, why the fuck would we?"

"I don't know, angsty teen finally meets his crush, who happens to be the very lonely Evan Hansen. I figured it wouldn't take much for either of you to start makin out."

"Shhhh, shut up." Connor scowled, his fingers digging into his coat.

"Just trying ta make conversation" Jared put his hands up in defeat. "I don't know much about you, only your feewings." He batted his eyes as his voice raised an octave.

"Stop being a dick."

"Then talk about yourself. I'll stop teasing about Evan when I have more teasing material."

"You have a weird way of making friends."

"Indeed I do Connor. Indeed I do." Jared nodded his head slowly. His finger tapped the table quickly as he looked back up. "Anyway, you have a guilty pleasure? Musicals, kid shows, jacking off, country music?"

"I uh" Connor didn't know how to respond. "I don't have any"

"No way dude, everyone does."

"Tell me yours first."

"I am the rare exception."

"For what?" Evan asked as he approached the table.

"I am the only human in existence that doesn't have a guilty pleasure." He placed a hand on his chest.

"Bull shit" Evan called quickly. "I've seen your YouTube search history."

Connor could only imagine what that meant. "What did you find?" He asked with a smirk.

"Ya know, slime tutorials."

"Shut the fuck up please."

"Glittery, fluffy, all the different types, really." Evan smirked back, his eyes glaring into Jared's soul.

"I uh, it was for that little girl I babysit."

"You haven't babysat since last year."

"Well I, fucking hell, you like fanfiction."

"H-hey, that's not fair-"

"It totally is! You reveal my love of slime, I reveal your obsession with porn words."

"I hate you." Evan said with a red face.

"The feelings are mutual." Jared said with a smirk back. "Your turn Connor."

"What?" _I thought the topic was off me_..

"Guilty pleasure."

"Why do you wanna know so bad."

"Dude, I literally just said I like to tease my friends. And you said you wanted me to stop talking about your" his eyes glanced to Evan. "Crush"

"You have a crush?" Evan asked with an eyebrow raised.

"I read romance novels. Occasionally." Connor said with gritted teeth.

"Ah, that's just like Evans, you just have to pay money." Jared said with a snicker.

"I hate you"

"I know. It's a very common thing." Jared looked down at his phone. "Alright loners, imma get to class. We got like, two minutes and I got the hot sub for first period."

"The hot sub?" Connor asked as Jared walked away.

"Miss's Duke. The one with implants." (I just watched Heather's again ok- leAvE mE aLoNe)

"Oh yeah. She's a bitch."

"I hate when she's our sub." Evan agreed.

"She took my book away in class one time. I still don't have it back."

"Oh that-" the bell rang and kids started rushing out of the cafeteria. "That sucks. I'll uh, see you later."

"Yeah.. see you later.." Connor sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 


	12. Alana's Birthday!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe plans a surprise party for Alana and tell the group her plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have an idea for this story! Yay! It'll take a while to get there though, cause I screwed up while writing :/ but I hope I can pull it off. This'll probably be a long story then. Whoopsie.
> 
> I was thinking of possibly, when this books over, I could write a new tree bros book about Connor overcoming drug addiction. I have a close family member who had to overcome that, and we're still facing repercussions to this day. It's honestly a big reason on why my life was heading downhill very fast and I was so sad. It all went down a year or two ago and- yeah I won't write much more about that but I figured if I make a book about that it could be a good way for me to vent. I'd come up with a plot this time, unlike what I did with this book. Idk, it's a shitty idea but if you want it I can start making plans

“Hey guys, come here” Zoe waved her hand at Evan and Connor, who had just entered the cafeteria. They both walked over to the table, Connor giving not-so-secretive secretive glances to Evan’s hand, which would brush past his own when they walked. He just couldn’t help himself, they were so close.

“What’s up?” Evan took a seat in front of Zoe, his hands clasped together on the table, Connor sitting behind him.

“I was wondering if you’d like to come over to our house friday night for Alana’s surprise party.”

“Surprise party?”

“Yeah! Her birthday is tomorrow and we were gonna have a sleepover at mine the day after, so I figured _why not have a party as well?_ ”

“That’s be uh, great. I don’t know if I could make it though, my mom- she uh, she has a pretty tight schedule and I don’t think she could um, drive me there..”

“That’s fine! Connor here could drive you,” She looked to her brother, a knowing look on her face. “Or you can ride the bus there. But I’m pretty sure Connor wouldn’t mind.”

“Way to speak for me,” Connor jokes, his eyes rolling to the side and landing on the table.

Evan’s face fell, but no one really noticed like he was used to. He felt that maybe he was _forcing_ Connor to take him, and that probably means Connor’s _tired_ of him and that Evan’s around him too much. He felt really guilty about that. He knew it was a joke, but what if there was a hidden meaning behind it?

“But yeah, I’ll take him.” Connor slightly smiled after that. Well, before the realization that _he’ll probably have to clean his room just in case Evan decides to go in there._

“Take Evan where? Your sex dungeon?”

“Jared!”

“Ah, you’re the last to know.” Zoe grinned, her fingers tapping on the table. Alana would be pretty happy if she could get Jared to go, which he most likely will because _who could resist Alana?_

“Know what?” This is a first, usually Jared knows everything.

“Alana’s birthday is tomorrow.” She stated, watching Jared’s eyes shift to a different emotion. One of slight panic but then to excitement. _Weird.._ “And were throwing a party for her the day after. Wanna come? It’ll just be everyone at the table.”

“Yeah totally.” He replied as he threw his backpack in his seat. “Where?”

“My house. My parents are gonna be gone this Friday through wednesday, so I’m pretty excited.”

“They are?” Connor asked, one eyebrow arched. He had heard _nothing_ of this and wonders why they hadn’t told him.

“Oh, they explained this morning. You’d already left on the bus. I guess I forgot to tell you. Sorry.”

“S’fine I guess.” He mumbled looking away. He felt a bit forgetable.

“Guys, guys!” Alana exclaimed as she made her way to the table, a huge smile on her face.

“What, what!?” Zoe reciprocated her enthusiasm as Alana took a seat next to Jared, which was the last one.

“I’m getting a car. My parents said they'd buy me one.” She scrolled through her phone, trying to find a picture of her present. “They said I'd worked hard enough, and since I'll be graduating soon they figured I could use it.”

“Wow, thats’ awesome, Alana. And pretty too.” She hugged her best friend. Jared couldn’t help but smile at how happy Alana seemed. “Now you can stop dropping me off everywhere, Zoe.”

They all gave their short congrats and began talking together. Or well, except Connor and Evan.

“Hey, um..”

“What’s up?” Connor mumbled, seeing Evan look a little panicked. His eyes softened and he just wanted to rub Evan’s arms and hug him and-

“You uh, you don’t have to drive me Friday if you don’t want to. I-It’s totally fine, like um, and if I’m sticking around you too much. I-I just- if I’m like, not giving you space I’m really sorry-”

“Hey what makes you say that?” Connor felt his heart crack. _Why would he think I don’t like him?_

“I just- I don’t know, I wanna make sure I’m not bothering you..”

“You’re not bothering me. You are honestly what I look forward to everyday.” Evan’s cheeks flared up as he looked to the table, his fingers tangling together. “Sorry if that’s weird.” Connor mumbled when he realized what he said.

“No no, that’s uh, really nice of you to say.. But I uh, I really look forward to seeing you everyday too.”

They just kinda stared at each other, cheeks red and rosey. Connor felt like leaning forward and pecking his lips, and he almost did lean closer before his eyes shifted to his sister, who was smirking and wiggling her eyebrows, Jared joining a few seconds later. Alana just giggled.

“Well um, I’m heading to the vending machines,” Connor stood up from his seat, his hands dug into his pockets as he tried to hide his face.

“I’ll come with you!” Zoe said, reaching into her backpack for her money.

“So..” Zoe elbowed his side, a smirk on her face. “What chu and Evan talk about?”

“Nothing..”

“Nothing? You two were like, way to red for _nothing._ ”

“Okay, maybe I told him I look forward to seeing him everyday. And _maybe_ he said the same thing.”

“That’s so cute, you two better start dating soon.”

“Zoe!” Connor sternly whispered. “Keep your voice down.”

“Just sayin” Her fingers slipped across her dollar as she smoothed it out.

"So, why's mom and dad going out for a while?"

"Oh" She slipped the dollar and 25¢ into the big machine, glancing at all the options before picking what she usually does. _M &M's_. "It's like one big date thingy so they can 'rekindle their love." She fake puked and bent over to pick up her snack.

"Oh, that's cool I guess." Connor, trying not to show he was actually kinda _glad_ his parents were trying to get along, just nodded his head.

"Hey, maybe you and Evan can have a personal sleepover sometime then."

"I mean.. maybe."

\---

Something seemed off.

Connor was walking out the back door of the school, ready to pick up Evan. They agreed to meet by the old white painted shelter just outside of the schools’ property (Connor usually parks by the plaza and not in the school’s parking lot). The building was never used, it stands empty and all alone. The paint was badly chipped, and the wood was splitting.

It seemed like it fit when he looked at Evan’s face.

He was sitting down, his back against the outside walls, with his shoulders slumped and his back slouched. His face looked at the grass that was slowly growing back as his fingers spun around the longer green blades. He didn’t know what it looked like, but he knew it didn’t look _happy._

Evan’s head turned as Connor approached. Connor seemed to get a stronger feeling when Evan looked at him. His eyes looked sorrowful and empty. He couldn’t comprehend how his eyes could look so _different._

His lips tried- absolutely tried- to curve into a smile. Connor could tell it was fake. He was too used to making that smile.

“Hey” He said softly, it almost sounded like he was holding back tears. But Connor could tell he wasn’t.

“Hey Ev.”

“Ev?”

“Oh uh-” Connor twiddled his thumbs, a light blush over his face. “It’s just um, it’s just a nickname. If you don’t like it that’s fine.”

“No, I like it.” And Connor could see a small, genuine smile appear on his beautiful face.

It hurt Connor’s heart to know Evan was feeling bad.

“So uh, you ready to go?”

“Yeah. I-if um, if you still want to take me. I can like- walk home if you want. Or I-”

“What? Get in the car Hansen.” Connor said with a slight smirk as he picked up Evan’s bag that sat right next to his legs.

“You um, you don’t have to.. To take my bag. I uh, I can carry I-It.” His face looked guilty and shameful. Connor just wanted to kiss away all those feelings.

“Nah, it’s fine. Now if I can just find where I parked..”

\---

“Are you um, are you okay?” Connor asked, his thumbs twiddling nervously against the steering wheel.

“You just- you seem a bit.. Down I guess? I don’t know..” He asked after receiving no answer.

“No um, I-I’m fine. I just uh, I’m just a bit tired from uh, from school.”

“Oh okay”

… _Silence. It’s silent now,_

A cough pierced the air as Connor cleared his throat. “So my parent’s. They aren’t gonna be home for a while..” He prepared to ask his question as his hands started shaking

“Oh yeah, I um, I remember Zoe talking about that. What are yo-you um, What are you planning to do-to do with that uh, all that free time?”

_This is it._ “Well I was hoping I could spend it with you.” _What the fuck. Way to be direct._

“Oh um, what do you.. Mean?”

“Like um, I don’t know.. Hangout or something. We could go out to a movie or have a sleepover or um… I don’t know, whatever you want. I-If you want to, of course.”

“I’d love that.” And Evan smiled again. He hoped Evan kept smiling. But something sunk in his heart, knowing something was wrong.

_Somethings wrong_


	13. The Time Has Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Presents and cake is really good with friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new treebros book out called Warmth. It's about Connor overcoming drug addiction. Please read if it interests you, I'd really like to have support on it.

"Guys, Jared called. They're almost here." Zoe said as she ran into the livingroom to see Evan resting against her brother.

"Shhhhhhh" Connor shushed his sister, his fingers waving around in the air. "He is  _ sleeping  _ on my  _ shoulder. _ " He whispered with red cheeks.   


"Oh my God." Zoe whispered back, a smile on her face. "You are so gay." She laughed as she pulled out her phone to take a picture.  


"Shut it. And send that to me."  


"Alright alright. But we seriously have to get the cake out. They're probably in the neighborhood by now."  


"Okay, fine. Arggg, he's so cute I don't wanna wake him." Connor's voice, if possible, got even quieter."F

"Fine then, I will"  


"Wai-"  


"Evan!"  


The small boy's eyes opened quickly before he shot off of Connor's shoulder, his face full of embarrassment.  


"Oh I'm so sorry Connor I um, I didn't mean too."  


"S'fine." Was all he could reply with as he turned his head, his fingers tapping against his thigh.  


"Hey guys! Back to the main point, Jared is almost here and we need to finish!" Zoe spat, her eyebrows furrowing right after.  


She's completely fine with them being gay around each other, just not when her best friends almost perfect party isn't  _ perfect _ .   


"Oh um, oh the cake! Shit I-"  


"Don't worry. I got it out of the oven and frosted it. No thanks to Connor" she gave a slight glare to her brother. There was… a big mess she made and had to clean up. By herself.  


"He was  _ sleeping. _ "    


"Yeah, but I needed help." She crossed her arms with her fingers digging into her arm.  


"I didn't-"  


"Guys please don't fight. It was my fault, I felt a bit sleepy and I just- I'm sorry. I um, I'm really sorry."  


"No Evan, it wasn't your fault." Connor mumbled as he wrapped an arm around Evan's shoulder with his face resting against the top of his head. He hoped that wasn't too forward, but he couldn't help but try to make him feel better, especially after the car ride.  


A long sigh escaped Zoe's lips as she took a seat on the couch. "Sorry for fighting. I'm just really stressed out, ya know? Alan's turning eighteen and we've been friends for a while and I wanted to make this special."  


"I get that." Evan mumbled after no one said anything for a while.  


"Thanks."  


"Sorry for not helping" you could barely hear it, but Connor did in fact say it, although it was heavily blocked from Evan's hair. That made Evan blush (Although he already was).

"Great, should we go finish then?" Evan asked as he turned his head, his cheek so close to Connors.  


"Yes please" Zoe said after taking a quick picture, knowing she could trade it with Connor for her nailpolish back.  


\---  


"That actually happened?" Alana asked with a giggle, her hair bouncing on her shoulder as she did. She decided to wear it down today. Jared said it looked pretty before, so she figured for the occasion..  


"Yeah" Jared breathed out a small laugh before continuing. "It was a great sixteenth birthday."  


"Sounds like it"   


It went quiet in the car, the only noise was the air conditioner blowing softly through the vehicle.  


"Thanks." Alana whispered, his fingers playing with a small golden necklace against her skin.  


Jared was confused at first but then looked over to her, his eyes focusing on the beautiful crescent moon and star hanging from her neck.  


"S'no problem." He played it off cooly, an emotionless look on his face.  


He didn't feel emotionless.  


"So um, Connor and Evan?"  


"Oh they are so  _ gay _ ."   


Alana laughed and brought her dark hands to her lap as she fiddled with the purple skirt resting against her thighs.  


"I don't see how Evan could be so blind." She took a glance over to Jared who smiled with his eyes focused on the road.  


"I don't either."  


\---  


"I hear the car!" Zoe's voice echoed from the living room. "Hurry!"  


Evan came walking out with the chocolate cake covered in chocolate icing with light pink letters messily spelling out 'Happy Birthday Alana'  


You could hear mumbling from the door. It sounded something like "thanks for dropping me off" or something. Then a knock, then the door handle jiggling and a "you can't just open their door" and a "trust me"  


The door swung open and everyone shouted a loud "Happy Birthday!"  


"Oh my God". Alana smiled, a hand to her heart. "You guys scared me."  


Zoe laughed as Alana went in to hug her.  


"Thank you guys" she said as she looked around the room. "Is that my cake!"  


"Yes! I did the frosting!"  


"It's beautiful"   


She looked around the large room seeing a few balloons and streamers hanging from the walls.  


"Sorry for the streamers being wonky. Connor was the only one tall enough to tape them"  


"Shut up!"  


"Let's go eat cake! We got Napoleon ice cream in the freezer."  


\---  


"Wow" Alana gasped as she unwrapped a large present covered in Christmas tree gift wrap. That was the only wrap left in the Murphy's house. "All the Narnia books! This is so cool."  


"Yeah, I heard you talking about it and I remembered it being in my closet, so there" Connor said with a soft smile.  


"Mine next!" Zoe said as she shoved her tree covered box into Alana's lap.  


"Oh my God! I remember this in the mall- Zoe" she said shocked as she held a light purple hoodie in her hands.   


"What? I knew you wanted it, so I bought it for you."  


"But this was so  _ expensive." _   


"And I am so rich." 

"Thank you so much!" She gave Zoe another hug.

"I guess all that's left is Evan's then."  


"What about Jared?"  


"Oh, he ready gave me his."  


Zoe made a loud 'ooo' sound with her eyebrows wiggling.  


"Not like that, it was um, this" she pointed to the necklace around her neck.  


"Holy shit!"  


Jared rubbed the back of his neck.  _ They're gonna tease me about this. _   


"That's so pretty." Zoe said as she held the small charms on her hand.  


"Wow, it really is," Evan said as he looked at the shiny metal.  


Connor looked at it from his seat, but he did have to admit it was pretty.  


"Okay okay, let's see what Evan got." Jared said after feeling kinda embarrassed.  


"Right um" Evan handed her a small bag. "Here." He felt his hands shake and a blush fan his cheeks. He knew his gift was nowhere near as good as anyone else's.  


She opened the bag and pulled out a few items. Car fresheners, a small charm to hang from her car mirror, and a sunflower sticker.  


"I- I just thought, you know, you got a car and you'd probably like a few things for them. A-and I know you like sunflowers so-"  


"Thank you so much Evan!" She smiled as she looked at the sticker. She was already planning on putting it on her dashboard.  


"No problem"  


\---  


After hanging out for a few more hours, Zoe was pushing the boys out of the house so she could start her sleepover with Alana.  


"So Connor," Evan asked, his hands clasped in front of him.  


"Yes?" Connor asked, his gaze now looking into Evan's eyes.  


"I was wondering if you'd wanna spend the night at my house?"  


"Wait- really?"  


"Yeah um, well I just- you mentioned hanging out, and Jared says he's gonna stay over so I thought maybe make it a group thing..?"  


Connor smiled as he pushed some hair behind his ear. "I'd love that."  


Evan smiled and leaned back in Connor's car seat.  


_ Woo! Sleeping at Evan's house. I mean, Jared's there but.. I think I can ignore him. _   



	14. Hanging At The Hansen's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleepovers are so fun!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to add drama next chapter 🥺 There's to much fluff and I need to put in actual content.

"So uh.. you're mom seems nice" Connor said to break the heavy tension.

"Yeah she's um, she's... Oh God I'm so sorry that was totally embarrassing" Evan said with a small laugh and Connor couldn't keep back a smile.

"Nah, my mom would've probably said the same thing. If she knew I was gay, anyway."

"She knows Jared's here, why would she make that stupid comment!" Evan exclaimed with a red face. He just wanted to die. This really made him anxious, but he's glad Connors not being a tease about it. Jared would've been.

"Sup losers, I set up the air mattress, no thanks to Acorn over here." Jared lightly kicked the back of Evan's shoes. "What's wrong with him anyway?"

"His mom wanted to have a short _talk_ with him" Connor said, his cheeks pink because he _knew_ what it was despite not being there.

"Ah, she must recognise your name from the letters."

"Jared." Evan said in a warning tone.

"Letters?"

"Oh yeah, he-"

"Jared.." Evan said again, this time a bit more whiney.

"Has to write these letters to his therapist. He writes about you a lot."

Evan felt really bad now. He just wanted to lay down and never wake up.

Connor smiled. That just.. made him feel really happy. _Maybe Evan likes me_.

"I'm sorry- your just- you- i- ahh, I hate you Jared!"

Evan stood up from the steps and Jared took that as his que to run. Connor just chuckled as he watched Evan chase Jared up the stairs and down the hall.

He followed slowly, only to see Evan tackle Jared on the air mattress sitting on the ground.

"You're gonna pop it!"

"I don't care!" Evan replied as he flopped a pillow on Jared face, leaving his glasses sitting sideways on his nose.

"Oh it's on!" Jared grabbed a pillow and chucked it at Evan's stomach.

This went on for a few moments before Evan looked over to Connor, who was leaning awkwardly against the wall.

"Wait wait!" Jared haulted his next hit. "We need to finish setting up."

"Oh, right" Jared fixed his glasses as he stood up on his feet. "I'll go get the blankets. I need the gray one"

He walked downstairs and Evan grew awkward again. "Sorry about that- I um, I got carried away."

"S' fine. You two seem a lot closer then I thought."

"We've been friends since elementary. Er- family friends, technically. I don't think Jared really minds me calling us friends now, though."

"Oh" Connor said as he took a seat on the bed. Evan joined him. "That pretty cool"

It's back to being awkward. Really awkward.

"So! Where do you wanna sleep. The air matress is small, so one sleeps with me and one on the mat."

Connor looked down at his hands. He really _really_ wanted to say next to Evan, but would that be to forward? _Would he think that's weird_.

Meanwhile Evan was kinda hoping they'd share a bed.

"I don't care. Whichever Jared doesn't want I guess."

H _e_ _doesn't like you. Don't ask again._

"Okay" Evan said and fake smiled a little later. "So, I um, I got videogames. You should choose what we play" He asked as he took a seat in front of his tv. Connor joined him.

"Oh" he's been saying that a lot. "Umm, COD?"

"Only ghosts. My mom doesn't want me to get Call Of Duty games, but Jared was gonna sell this one cause he hates it so he gave it to me. I keep it in secret" He held a finger to his lips, signaling for him to keep quiet.

Connor couldn't help but mentally aw at that.

"Dude, that's one of the worst!"

"I know! But it feels like a big commitment to hide a bunch of them."

Connor playfully tsked as he put his hands on his waist. "This will not stand. I'm buying you Modern Warfare two."

"No no, that's a lot of money."

"Evan, hun, I'm fucking rich. Think of it as an early birthday gift."

Evan couldn't stop blushing at hun. "O-okay"

Connor smiled and looked up at his tv. "What other games you got?"

"Mm, starwars battlefront. One and two."

"Star wars nerd?"

"Yeah, I liked it. My mom's a big fan, though."

"Nice. I never thought about playing these. They any good?"

"Well I think so, but I don't play it a lot. I mostly play.." Evan dug shuffled through a couple games before pulling one up. "This" (you choose, idk what Evan would play besides animal crossing :/)

Connor had never thought about playing that. He never thought it would be interesting.

"Let's play it"

Evan smiled at Connors words, looking into his eyes for a brief moment. He just really loved Connors eyes. "Okay"

"Guys, Heidi made pizza rolls." Jared said with a stuffed mouth as he closed Evan's door, a plate in his hand and a few blankets under his arm.

Connor went out to grab a roll and Jared took the plate away. "Go get the rest of the blankets, then you can have some."

Connor rolled his eyes and went down the steps.

"You can't hog the pizza rolls."

"Says who?"

"Me! Those are amazing I won't allow you to eat them all."

Jared was going to retaliate before he saw Evan grab a random pillow by his feet.

"Fine."

\---

"Not fair! I was high that day"

"That's why you don't go in school high Connor!"

"I'm trying dude, but come on, Miss. Duke replacing Mrs. Herton is fucking depressing."

They all laughed a bit at that. Or well, Evan and Connor.

"She's not that bad, a little bossy but she's okay."

"You just like her tits, dude." Connor said as he leaned against the headboard.

"Right indeed" Jared said as he took a drink of his pop.

Evan felt his phone buzz and he looked down quickly pulled it out of his pocket.

"Alana?"

"Hey, um, how's it going?"

"Good." He could hear Zoe snicker in the back. "What's up?"

"Yeah um, just wanted to-"

"She wants to talk to Jared!" He could hear Zoe's faint voice.

"Oh okay" Evan gave the phone to Jared, who was pleasantly surprised.

Evan just watched Jared talk. It seemed almost natural. Jared looked so relaxed, and his tone of voice changed. He was also... Nicer?

He soon looked over to Connor, who looked in pain. "You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, just getting a headache."

It was silent for a while. Evan's as debating on if he should say what he wants to. He decided _fuck it_ and opened his mouth.

"I can rub your head if you want. You um, you did that for me. At the pep rally. It's um, payback. Er- pleasent payback. Or um-"

"Sure" Connor smiled. He had to pinch himself because _is this a fucking dream?_

Connor laid his head down on Evan's lap after Evan told him to. Which- let's be honest- was a _big fucking deal_ for Connor. This is probably one of his most nervous moments at this point. He felt so warm and the butterflies in his stomach were going crazy. Which weren't helping his headache.

And as soon as Evan's fingers touched his hair Connor knew, he just _knew_ he wanted a future with Evan. Not just crush on him, not just date him for some time. He wanted to _be_ with him. He had no idea why. Not a single fucking thing made sense, but at the same time it did.

"Hang on, their being gay again"

"Shut it, Jared" Connor mumbled as he glared. Evan just laughed.

Jared rolled his eyes. "Guess I'll be taking the air mattress tonight"


	15. Empty Screen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan just seems.. off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah sorry for randomly making Evan like.. spacey but I've been trying to for a while just not been able to get it right and I forget cause they're so cute and I just want everyone happy but n o o I have to get to the point of the story and- you get it
> 
> Anyways have a good day guys I love you all <3  
> (Comment something if you want cause I like reading them ^^)

"Mondays fucking suck"

It's been three weeks since the sleepover at Evan's. Nothing much has really happened.

"I can agree with you there, dickface"

"Why's Connor dickface?"

"Because" Jared guestured his hands towards Connors body. "He's a dick."

"I mean- he's not wrong" Zoe chimed in with a laugh as she bit her carrot.

"Haha. I tend to think Jared just had a small dick and is trying to hide it." Connor spoke in defense. His finger pointed down at the table.

"How would you even get that? That makes no sense. And my penis is average, thank you."

"Don't know, Connor has a point" Alana threw her own joke in and Zoe could help but laugh at Jared's hurt eyes. Alana just shrugged at him as he tried holding in a laugh.

"It so isn't. Just ask you mom"

"Low blow dude, who still does those jokes anymore?"

"Alright Jared, let's see your dick" Zoe said with her fingers motioning for him to _hand it over_

"What! No, were in school, I'm not pulling my pants down."

"Fine. But we should solve this mystery somehow."

"It's not a mystery! I have a normal sized penis I swear!"

"We need someone who's probably seen his dick. Alana?"

"No! What, I haven't.. no"

Zoe smirked at her friends paniced face. "Not yet anyway" Zoe threw in and Alana just pursed her lips.

"Evan! They've been friends since elementary."

"Evan, please reveal the dick size."

All their heads turned to the hunched over boy sitting on the edge of the table, his thumbs still fiddling with the other and his eyes refused to look away from his black phone screen.

"Evan?" Zoe said after no response. "Earth to Evan" she waved her hand in front of the zoned out boy. Nothing.

"Hey Evan, you okay?" Connor asked, his hand resting on the blue boys shoulder. His thumb rubbed gently against the cloth and that seemed to snap Evan up.

"Huh? Yeah im- I'm fine just.. tired."

"This is the sixth day you've been tired in a row. Better not be a cover up." Jared warned with a wagging finger.

"No it's not. Um, the air conditioners broken and it um, it gets kinda hot at night."

Connor knew that was a lie. He'd just been over to Evan's a couple days ago. It was a very cold building.

"Anyways, have you ever seen Jared dick? Is it average sized?"

"I'm telling you, no, not since we were kids or anything. He wouldn't kn-"

"It's um, kinda small." He mouthed a 'sorry Jared' across the table and Zoe smiled. Connor would be too if he wasn't kinda concerned for Evan. _why would he like?_

"I was right!"

"Since when have your eyes landed on my penis, Evan?"

"That one time it- it rained walking back to mine. Like a month ago. You didn't um, seem to have a problem changing right in front of me. Despite the open bathroom."

"I was cold! We're bros, I never thought you'd betray me in such a way."

"Alright enough dick talk. I'd like to eat now, please. Case closed." Zoe said as she looked at her plate.

"Case not closed! I swear I'm not small."

"I agree with my sister. Change the subject, I'm hungry."

"Y'all suck"

"Not as much as Connor"

"Ooo, sister burn"

"It's not a burn, I'm _gay_."

"Still a burn" Jared whispered and Zoe nodded in agreement.

"Anyone want a ride home today?" Alana offered. Not only does she ask every day, but said it as a topic changer. Evan went back to looking at his phone.

"I need one. Boss wants me earlier today." Jared said without hesitation.

"I might, not sure yet." Zoe said and they all went back to normal conversation.

All except Evan.

\---

"So I'm thinking planets and stars. What about you?" Alana asked, her pencil tapping against the wooden desk. Her eyes never left Evan's tired face.

"Sure. Sounds.. good to me."

"Are you sure you're alright? You seem really out of it."

"Yes. I swear I'm fine." His eyes glanced to his phone laying beside his hands.

"Please talk to someone if you aren't. I'm always willing to listen, and Connor for sure would be there for you."

"I'm fine Alana, I swear. Just tired."

"Okay. You can sleep this period if you want. I'll do the work."

Evan have her a smile before laying his head on the cool desk. "Thank you"

Alana smiled back before averting back to her paper. "No problem."

\---

Evan looked about passed out with his head leaned against the bus window. Connor couldn't stop noticing how his head thumped against the glass, and Evan barely paid attention.

"If your moms okay with it, maybe you can stay at mine. Cause the air conditioner situation."

"Oh um. No, I can't. Shes um- she needs me. For stuff."

"What stuff"

Evan never looked up.

"You don't have to tell"

"Okay" Evan said softly. "Thanks."

"No problem."

It was silent all the way home.


	16. It's Weird, But It's Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Alana have moments, and Evan answers his phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late,, uh, it's been over a month woopsie. I swear I'm gonna try to write more frequently so sorry. Anyways I kinda write this one outta my ass? Like it need to be included but I also rushed it cause I'm too excited for next chapter and I also needed to get this out. Expect a new chapter either tomorrow or early next week! (Comment 😡😡 or something to remind me if it gets after like Wednesday and I still haven't posted. My ass will get up real quick a finish writing it)

Against his dad's will, Jared was sitting on a random bench in front of the setting sun, Alana's hand in his. It was weird, how natural it came and felt. But it was nice, so he didn't question it.

"You think Evan's okay?"

"I'm not sure,"

"I keep trying to talk to him. He just never seems to wanna open up." 

"Same for everyone, I think. Just give him time? That's all we can do."

Alana gave a silent nod. It didn't feel right, but what else could they do? Silence filled the stiff air as they looked at the sun.

"I was like him" she spoke softly, her eyes still focused on the fading sky.

"You were?" Jared's breath hitched.

"I mean like- never noticed. I was.. always cast aside. Just a "nerd" You know? But I mean you guys-  _ you,  _ came in and now- now I just.. I feel I belong somewhere. I hope he does too" 

Jared tightened his grip on Alana's hand. A gentle reminder he was here, he would always accept her. "You know, I've always admired you"

Alana smiled as she leaned on his shoulder. "You have?"

"Yeah" he laughed as he felt a gentle squeeze back. "I mean beautiful, smart, courageous. You were a big inspiration to keep trying. I even  _ studied _ one time because I wanted to get a higher score than you on that old math exam. You know how rare that is? Me?  _ Studying? _ "

Alana laughed as she leaned more into his side. "I'm glad I'm good for something,"

"You're good for a lot of things" he said with an arm wrapping around her shoulders. "Helping kids, sticking up for people, you're probably gonna find a cure for cancer one day"

"Oh yeah?" she closed her eyes as he rambled on about all the things he fully believes she'll accomplish.

"Of course. If anyone can, it's you."

"Thanks"

"No problem."

Silence ensued the two again, but now it's soothing. Just a gentle reminder the other was there, and they won't have to leave. For now, anyways.

"You'll always belong with me, you know?"

"I know" she bit her lip to bite back her smile. "You'll ways belong with me, too"

"Nowhere else I'd rather be"

\---

"Can I come over?" Connor asked after, somehow, getting Evan on the phone. He didn't think he'd pick up so soon.

"I don't know"

"Please, I just really wanna see you. We haven't talked in a while, I just need to see you"

Evan felt like a fleeting memory in a way. Connor got so close to this boy he never thought he'd get so close too, and now he's slipping away again? How the world could be so cruel.

"Okay"

"Okay?"

"Yeah, I really need to see you too"

That made Connors heart beat. Wow, that made him feel good.

"Can I spend the night?" It felt weird asking, they've only had 1 sleepover, but he also felt close to Evan, like they've had a million. It felt natural?

"I.. we'll see when you get here"

"So pack for a night?"

"Yeah"

Connor gave a quick fistbump to himself before standing off his old bed and finding his backpack thrown on the floor somewhere.

"So uh, what do you um, wanna do?"

"Well I was hoping we could-" Connor stopped his sentence. Evan doesn't like talking about his problems.  _ He's not that open to it right now _ Connor remembers. "Watch a movie? I know you like Aaron Tveit, right? Watch his new Christmas movie?"

"That sounds nice" he could almost imagine Evan sitting on his bed, a blanket pulled up to his cheeks, looking all comfy and happy and not sad. It made his heart flutter.

"Okay so" he switched his phone to his other shoulder as he shoved a change of clothes and some random things into his bag "I'm almost ready to head out."

"Want to hang up now then?"

"No, no, we're staying on the phone till I see you" his voice was soft and caring and Evan felt relieved. He didn't wanna stop feeling a connection, either. Even if it's just Connors breathing, he didn't wanna stop hearing it.

"Okay" he breathed out a small laugh

Connor dropped his phone as he rushed to his sister's room, his bag already over his rushly put-on coat as he dug his hair out of the straps.

"Evan answered, I'll be over there for a while- tell mom if she asks"

"He answered!? Is he okay?"

"Yeah yeah- I might not be back till morning"

"Booty call?"  


"No- fuck you, for one, two, please I need to see him. Don't let them know I'm gone until at least an hour."

"Alright, fine. Tell Evan I said hi!"

"Okay" he whisper shouted as he rushed back to his room to get his phone and socks on.


	17. Let's Fall In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks about his problems.
> 
> Connors (and Evan's) true feelings come out (sorta)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teehee. Well uh, idk of this is good sorry ^^' But hey! Progress :) 
> 
> Just so you know, this is probably going to end soon. I definitely plan rewrite this entire book (probably in a couple years)

Connor- thanks to some magical force- actually has his arm around Evan's shoulder as they mindlessly watch random tv shows.

He wants to be happy about it, and he is, but it feels off. It doesn't feel right if Evan's not happy, and he really wants to know what's up. He can't just.. directly ask what's wrong, can he? He doesn't want to push Evan away after  _ finally _ getting here.

"Hey" he looked down at the quiet boy. Evan's head hesitantly looked up from Connor's shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"Why'd you let me come over?"

Evan's breathing paused, his eyes refocused on the bright screen. "Because you're my friend" he simply answered.

"No, you haven't talked to me or- or anyone in a while. Why now? Why me? Why pick up the phone if you're trying to shut us out?"

"I'm not shut- I'm not shutting you out. I ju- I just-"

Connor sighed as he sat up, pulling Evan's shoulders up with him. His hands were delicate and nice, and his thumb rubbed circles as he gave him a hug from behind to show he wasn't attacking, and he wasn't blaming. He just wants to know.

"There's been so- so much happening. I can't proc- I can't process it" his voice sounded wavey and Connor could feel a few small tears dropping on his arms. "I just want someone here" he sniffled and Connor tightened his grip.

"I'm here, okay? I won't leave. Tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't know how.." he paused with deep breaths to stop his stuttering. "I'm supposed to um, to feel" it came out like a question, which it basically was.

"About what?" 

Evan wondered if it was a weird position to be talking about this in. But he wouldn't change it, it was better to feel someone there without having to look them in the eyes.

"My dad he um, he called. And he's been calling."

"That's great," Connor said, his hand rubbing down his arm to encourage him to continue.

"Is it? I mean he- he left me, left  _ mom _ . He just abandoned us because- because he um, didn't like us? He didn't like me? He never calls us, he never writes us- I get a postcard every few months that explains some random trip he went on, never asks anything about me." He paused to grab hold of his next words. "The only time he talks about me was with mom, when  _ she _ calls him. And he sends- sends money to us, every- every now and then for my college savings but that's mostly from my mom and-"

He paused again to stop talking so fast as he fiddled with his fingers, trying to keep himself put together in some way. "And then he called. A couple weeks ago during 5th period. Right before I left with you, he called me. Not my mom, me"

The sniffling died down as he composed his breathing. "He said he wanted to see me, get to know me. Make up for um, for lost time. I didn't know what to say so i-i hung up on him because I was scared." He let out a small laugh to ease the atmosphere because he felt awkward without Connor speaking.

"And then he called again later and he says it's up to me to decide. And he says he'll keep calling me and talking to me. He told me I can spend a couple weeks up with him and his new wife and my step siblings."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know"

It was silent, Connors finders still tracing around Evan's arms, hoping he'd get it all out in the open.

"I've always wanted a dad- I've always wanted that support in my life. But now it feels.. fake? He was gone for so long and never cared- why care now? What's changed that he suddenly gives a- gives a fuck for his son he never visits. Part of me is just- just mad and wants to be a bitch about it, the other wants to mend- to mend what I've wanted for so long. It shouldn't a-affect my mental state so much but I'm so nervous about what I should do and I can't stop thinking about it and It keeps me up at night, sometimes just thinking about what to do."

Evan turns around and wraps his arms around Connor tightly, his face buried in his chest. "What should I do?"

"Just breathe" Connors soft voice whispered as he stroked Evan's hair. He didn't know what to say, he doesn't know Evan's father. He sounds like a dick but maybe if he's trying.. it wouldn't be so bad.

"Just clear your mind, don't think too hard about it. Maybe wait and talk with him more? See if you think he's changed?"

Evan squeezed his arms with a small nod as he let Connor comfort him. It was nice to feel someone there for once.

Connor tries, he really tries to make Evan feel good without crossing the  _ I'm so gay for you _ line, but it's hard when his mind his screaming to kiss all his pain away.

But a kiss on the head will do

Hopefully that's not to far

Evan's face is red when he feels it (not like it wasn't before) but Connor can't see that. He wants to say something. He wants to return the favor, but gets cut off by Connors gentle voice.

"Is there anything else?"

The way Evan shifts and hesitated is a clear giveaway that yes, something else is there plaguing his mind.

"It's not important" he pushed out under Connors stare.

"Like hell- Evan, everything about you is important. Everything. I wanna know how you feel, I wanna see how you see things. C'mon, it might make you feel better?"

"I don't know what to do with my life"

"Neither do I"

"Yeah but you-" Evan stopped and pushed himself up. "You're talented. You have potential, and- and you can talk to people. You're smart and pretty and always know what to say and I can't form a proper sentence around a stranger. You have a future,"

Connor would lie if he said that didn't inflate his very small ego just a little bit. But that didn't matter, what did was showing Evan how truly amazing he was because _damn_ _it_ he really is.

"Evan honey," the nickname came out before he realized it but it's too late. He'll just ignore that he said it. "You're so fucking great" he settles to see Evan's reaction. 

Evan's eyes shoot to the ground as his lips are about to deny it but Connor stops him yet again.

"You're the sweetest person I know, you want what's best for people. And you write so we'll, you're efficient in getting work done and you are smart- don't discredit the work you've done. You take really good care of plants, which is adorable by itself, but it also shows that you  _ can _ take care of responsibilities. You're loyal, I bet, which is good for relationships  _ and _ jobs, plus more that I can't fit into words."  _ Without sounding to gay. _

Somehow their hands intertwined during that and they haven't stopped, Even when Evan looks down at them. He smiles softly, his thumb playing with Connors as he leans forward on his chest again.

"Thank you" his breath is warm against Connors neck and it feels so domestic and cute and  _ right _ .

"Well you deserve to know" 

"Connor.." he hesitates even after Connor gives a soft hum. "You make me wanna love myself, which is something.. something I never thought could happen,"

"I'm glad you're starting to see what I see" 

They sit in silence for a while, just leaning on each other with their hands in the others and Connors arm is tracing up Evan back. He wishes it could last like this forever. Just them feeling like a couple.

"You have to try to love yourself too," Evan whispers and it flutters in Connors heart.

It's hard, but after all, when he thinks about it, how could Evan truly love him if he doesn't love himself. Can  _ Connor _ truly love Evan if he doesn't love himself.  _ Yes _ he thinks before realizing that- no. No he can't. He falls more in love everytime Evan let's his anxiety go, everytime he does what he wants, every time he's himself. How can you be yourself when you don't love yourself?

It's like Evan's asking so he can fall in love.

"I'll try" he whispers with reassuring touches.

Evan pulls away and unlocks their combined hands. He left a soft, lingering kiss to Connors palm and  _ damn damn damn _ it was every bit as special as a kiss on the lips. Maybe Even more so in this moment.

"I'll try too" Evan whispers as he holds his hand again. It makes sense now. Evan likes him too, but they both have shit to sort out. A lot of shit. 

Connor smiles with his arms wrapping around Evan's shoulders. "We both will,"


End file.
